


Becoming a witch

by clandestinpoet



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Embarrassment, F/F, Friendship, Funny, Humor, Light Angst, Sarcasm, School, Soulmates, Witches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:15:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29095635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clandestinpoet/pseuds/clandestinpoet
Summary: What happens when everyone expects you to be a powerful witch but you can't even wake up your power? (and the reason behind it makes you want to bury yourself in a hole)... well, that's exactly Clarke's life... maybe a spell and a lie can solve things? Or would they make them worst?Will she be able to maintain her lie? The Academy of Magic is a new and challenging chapter in her life... turns out life has interesting ways of solving things...Can certain green eyes girl help her? or would the secrets and the past step in the way?
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 56
Kudos: 135





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! please, give this fic a chance, it would be my first long fic :) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it! kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!
> 
> note: it mostly concentrate con Clarke's life at first, but Lexa will appear soon enough ;)

\- Clarke! There’s something for you in the mail today!

My blood runs cold with that. I know what it means: The Academy of Magic had sent their answer. How can I explain to my mother, one of the most powerful witches, that her only daughter couldn’t even make it into the academy…

\- Clarke!

\- I’m coming!

I go downstairs at a senile pace. All is going to change now. I enter the kitchen where my mom is almost done cooking breakfast and stare at the envelope on the counter. I don’t know how long I stare at it, but I can feel my mom’s eyes on me.

\- Don’t be scared sweetie… open it…

My hands are trembling as I reach for the envelope. I almost let it fall to the floor trying to open it. I hold the letter in my hands, but I can’t read it, I know what it says. I’m trembling with all my body and can feel tears in my eyes. I know what it says, but I’m not ready to face it…

\- Honey?

My mom's voice sound worried and she takes the letter from my hands before I can stop her. I watch her read the damn paper, and then come to me and hug me tight. I really didn’t expect that, I was expecting anger, screams, or even crying. But not this.

I let myself just be in her embrace. It has been so long since she really hugged me… It’s not her fault, she’s just not the type of person who likes physical affection. Not after my dad’s death at least…

\- I knew you could make it honey! I’m so proud of you! I know all the effort you put in it, and I’m sure you would be able to develop all your hidden potential in there – she lets me go – now. I need to run to the hospital, breakfast is on the table, love you!

I’m still processing her words when I hear the front door of my house close. _What did she say?_ It can’t be possible…

I run to the letter on the table and read it. It can’t be. But it is. I’m in. I have been accepted to the academy!

Now I’m crying with relief. Until my mind catches up to what that actually means: I would need to maintain the lie and probably exhaust myself close to death to survive in the Academy of Magic.

\----

No one knows my secret. I have been lying for two years now, ever since I was 17 years old. I’m not proud of it, but at the time it was the only option I could see, and to backtrack now would be just too humiliating. Even more than my life already is.

I’m the daughter of one of the most powerful witches, and my dad came from a powerful witch family too, only that men can’t use magic, but he had the gens to pass on me. Everyone was expecting me to be really powerful, and instead, I’m one of the weakest witches the world has ever seen, next to the new generation of withes (women that do not have the gen in their family but somehow are witches).

Well, I’m not actually a weak witch; I just didn’t release my power yet, or “wake up” (as it’s common referred to) like is common referred as. And I’m starting to think I never will. The power of a witch is released through sex. Well, not through sex, sex can increment power, as all sexual energy can. What frees the real power is an orgasm during sex. Which means it can’t be an orgasm reached by masturbation.

It has always been that way, the explanation is that at that moment you just let go, lose control of your body and the pure power takes control; even just a second is enough for the power inside you to fill your body, and that’s it: once the power is released, the witch has access to it whenever she wants. But for some strange reason that I have tried to understand many times and failed, someone else must break the wall or shield which keeps you from accessing our power by giving you an orgasm.

It sounds easy enough. Except that I can’t have a fucking orgasm with anybody!

The first time I had sex was at 16, really common for a witch who wants to wake up. It was with my boyfriend at the time, but it didn’t go as I expected Finn was a sweet boy, well, sweet until he found out I didn’t come. I had faked it the first time, thinking that it was ok, I didn’t hurt his feelings and maybe next time I didn’t have to fake it… I mean, I was nervous and a little scared, of course, it was going to be difficult to just “let go”, it was my first time after all.

But then it didn’t happen the second time nor the third, nor any time after that. It kept on going like this for almost a year. I didn’t tell my friends I have had sex, other way since they all know I’m a witch, they would have realized what was going on, and for some reason, I was thinking there was something wrong with me.

Things went to hell when Finn heard some of my fellow witches wondering why I still didn’t sleep with my boyfriend -two years dating, and no sex seemed ridiculous- and release my power.

He didn’t even ask me what was going on, he just called me a liar and broke up with me in front of the whole school. Word got out of what happened; we were the couple that “couldn’t do it right” … like everyone was a sex expert at that age!

But things got worse, at least for me. About six months later, Finn started dating Raven, a girl in my class, and one month later her power awakened. And she wasn’t from a family of witches, so it was even more shocking. With that, teenagers did their job: Finn was the “king of sex” and I was the “frigid witch”. I mean, even the term was from another century, but they didn’t care, suddenly I was the outcast.

Of course, I didn’t tell anything to my parents at the time. And then my dad died in a car accident, and my peers were either mean or they pitied me. The bullying was getting increasingly worst every day that passed. It went from name-calling to little pushes in the hallways to actually harassing me in my last year.

The day after my 18 birthday my mom told me she was worried about me because I didn’t seem interested in awakening my power; she thought my dad’s death was the reason that I didn’t date anyone, that I needed my time to make peace with it. But it was one year already... She didn’t understand how it was possible that I didn’t meet anyone, but she didn’t know that all the times I said I would “go out with friends” in reality were travels to the library or a park. Alone.

So, my mom was worried and anxious for me. According to her, now I have finished High School and have three years to explore the world (I could start the university, but most witches wait for that) and find out what I want before going to the Academy of Magic. Still, it was a good idea to awaken my power soon so I can get used to it, practice little official spells and control in some courses maybe. It must be released before applying to the academy, that’s for sure.

How the hell do you tell your mom that you have tried? Like, after Finn, even being the outcast, I managed to have sex with the jerk of the school, only because every girl that was with him have said he knew what he was doing. Well, not for me. Even worst: I find out after that he was with me for a dare. And once again, word got out and my image was even lower after that. How it didn’t affect his image is beyond me… well, not actually: is a human world and a patriarchal world, different from the witches’ one, so of course I was the broken one and he was the jock who sacrificed himself to help the “frigid witch” who ultimately was helpless. 

That summer after finishing high school I met an older girl in the library, a witch that didn’t go to the academy because she was “against the system”. She said it was her decision not to go and she was fine with living practically like a human, being the only magic she could do the “practice spells”, something like children abilities for witches; they are cool and practical for everyday use I guess, but nothing that requires the use of much power. If you don’t learn how to control it, it could go really wrong.

Ontari was sarcastic, adventurous, and full of energy. After a short time, we started dating, and when the make-out session escalated I tried to relax; I have reasoned that maybe now, with someone who didn’t know my reputation, who is a woman and even a witch, things would work out.

It didn’t. Ontari was good, but for some reason, I always had to stop her when I was sure it wasn’t going to happen. She was cool the first few times, she just hugged me, and I told myself that maybe I just needed time, to connect more with my partner. After some time, I started to notice that Ontari was really upset about the whole thing, she wanted to have sex every occasion we could and try different things. All the time. I started to get so much pressure that I couldn’t even enjoy “the preview”.

One day she was going down on me and I told her to stop, that I was tired, and it seemed that once again I couldn’t come. But she kept going, said that I wasn’t even trying… I didn’t know what to do, and finally, I just faked it. But that was definitely a bad decision because Ontari was a witch, so she knew instantly that it wasn’t real. She stood up, put her clothes on and the last thing she told me before she left keeps resonating in my mind until now: “what is wrong with you?”

I started extensive research about the subject. I knew there wasn’t anything wrong biologically speaking because I didn’t have a problem while masturbating, so I could discard that. I realize that my options were to go to a shrink to figure out what my particular problem was, because it was clearly a problem in my stupid head. Or I could go to a witch, see if she can fix me, probably faster... The two options implied telling my mom. And I did thought she was cool, like, she always told me I could speak with her and be honest, and on top of it she is a doctor as well as a witch, so, I knew she would understand. But I was 18 and certainly didn’t want to tell her. I was in the stupid age when humans are basically adults, so for the world that’s what I was, but for the witch community? I need to reach 25 to be considered an adult… Maybe I could get away with going to a human therapist and because I’m an adult I would have confidentiality guaranteed. But a human therapist wouldn’t understand the importance this has for a witch, and I would have to be careful with what I said, because we don’t discuss witch staff with the humans. And as soon as I appeal to a witch for help, there is no chance of my mom not finding out.

So, I went for option three: lie. I had to make her and everyone else believe that my power was already released. So, I focused my research on that. I figured I could find a spell that did the job, but it was easier said than done. Spells are cast in trigedasleng, the old language of our people, and because we are not supposed to do any spell without supervision, they don’t teach the language until the academy. I know some random words because I grow up surrounded by witches but wasn’t even close to understanding how to make sentences to make a spell work. I found some on the internet, and the amount of trust I had in them was the same as the results: none. But then I remembered a “joke gift” that some human friends of my dad gave him, a little book on “spell creation” that according to my mom was ridiculous… but I was out of options.

The book taught me some more words and I simply replaced them in a spell to shatter a mirror, what I thought would work for my objectives. It didn’t. After that, I almost gave up, but decided to try again, except this time I combined two spells and changed more words…

I started doing this spell to “crack” the wall blocking my power. I was careful to read the words in the same rhythm and pronounce them the same way I did it the first time it worked. In all honesty, I didn’t know if I was doing this the right way but given that it worked, I didn’t question it any further. 

And just like that, little by little I have gained power and learned to use it. It wasn’t much, but by doing it constantly for a long time it was just enough to give me the ability to at least use some magic. I was so focused and worried that I couldn’t even enjoy or celebrate my first usage of magic like I always had dreamed of doing, I was only worried if this was going to be enough.

For a full year, my life consisted of going to class (I took every course on first aid, art, and theory of magic I could in those three years before I turn 21), then study, research, and wait for my mom to go to work (she always liked the night shift) so I could masturbate and do the spell. Why masturbate? The sexual energy in the air enhances and amplifies the spell. And I would do anything I could to make the spell work better.

By the time the summer was near, I could tell my mom was really antsy about my lack of social life (I didn’t keep the pretense of having friends once I graduated), and even more about my not-awakening. I still find it funny how in the witch community the mothers were often encouraging their daughters to have sex and worry if not, contrary to the human families. The good side of this was that our parents make sure we know all about safe sex when we hit puberty.

I was really careful not to show any glimpse of power to her, if I was to make her believe I have awakened it has to be with a sudden show of power: from cero to the maximum amount I could get. And I was realizing that I had reached my limit, it had been a least a week since my last increment of power, so this was as much as I could “break that wall” it seemed.

So, I started to spend my afternoons in a coffee in the other side of the city and tell my mom I was meeting with someone ‘special’, I didn’t want her to think I have a one night stand, nothing wrong with it and probably Abby wouldn’t even flinch, but I was so paranoid thinking I was going to get caught that I planned everything.

Some weeks later I prepared myself for disappointing her one more time. If she realized I was lying I would have to come clean on what I did (which not only was illegal but probably dangerous to some degree I think) and all would be not only embarrassing and humiliating but also very disappointing. If she believes my lie… well, she was going to be very disappointed for sure. I mean, the power I have is limited at the best and barely there, almost invisible at the worst. And I’m sure as hell she was hoping for a power to rival her own, or even surpass it. And that was just not going to happen.

One afternoon, a month after my 19 birthday, she was reading on the sofa when I approached her and sit by her side. I was looking at my hands, trying to gather all the courage that I seemed to have lost during the short way from my room to the living room. Probably I was taking too long to do this because my mom put the paper she was reading on the coffee table and turns to me.

\- What’s going on Clarke?

\- I….

\- Hey… everything ok?

I raised my head and looked her in the eyes. And flashed my power in them.


	2. Chapter 2

\- What’s going on Clarke? – My mom asks

\- I….

\- Hey… is everything ok?

I raise my head and look her in the eyes. And flashed my power in them.

Every witch can do it, and can control the amount of power showing, and every witch can read, feel and perceive the amount of power showing. It was used mostly to show off or in a way of threat, letting your enemy know you are powerful. Although it was an unspoken rule that there were moments in which was acceptable to do that (a superior asking, medical witches asking, between close people to show trust or in case you want to ensure an actual threat), but in general everyone avoids doing it. That said, I was not going to win any fight. And my mom could read that for sure.

\- You awakened your power?! That’s great Clarke! I’m so happy! – But after a quick hug and seeing that I didn’t follow her mood she sobers up– What’s wrong?

She just looked at me and I can see the dots connecting in her head, the fact that if I didn’t show her my power she couldn’t feel it at all (the power of a really powerful witch could be sensed only by just being in her proximity, not the amount, but if you could feel it like that it sure as hell was someone powerful… like my mom itself). I see how her face falls with every second that passes, and she realizes what her daughter was: a barely-there witch… I don’t think anyone in my family has ever had so little power; we were one of the originals families after all…

\- I… I don’t understand… how… did you show me all?

I nod.

She was trying to make sense of it, look for an explanation. And here was the moment of truth: she either believed me or not.

\- Clarke… show me again, please….

I flash my eyes again, pouring every ounce of power I could muster behind it. I see her trying to cope with the reality of it. I can see her confusion, then disappointment and sadness; and I also can see how she tries to cover it up, not wanting to make me feel bad, trying to smile when probably that’s the last thing she wants to do.

I feel tears in my eyes…

\- I’m sorry…

I broke down and she catches me right away. I cry for the lie. I cry for the pain and disappointment I’m causing her. I cry for my cowardice. I cry because I’m alone. I pour all the hard emotions I been carrying with me for all these years, all the tension, the loneliness. All the things that I know would be plaguing every single day of my life from now on. And I know I choose this and there was no going back now.

My mom just hugs me tight, first in silence and then telling me that it doesn’t matter, that she was still proud of me and she loved me no matter what. And I cry some more, because I know she’s telling the truth even if she’s still trying to understand what went wrong… she’s telling the truth and I’m not…

Four months later she asked to do some “study spells” on me, just to “check that everything is alright”. But when she explained how the spells work, that they were “a little” (a lot) invasive emotionally and psychologically, I said no. I was afraid she would find out the truth, and now it wasn’t only the embarrassment of not being able to reach orgasm, now was a whole lie I would have to explain.

The force with which I said no to the tests was enough to let her know I didn’t want to talk about it. I even told her I did my own research and that was it; there was nothing anyone could do.

\---

Now finding that I was accepted to the academy of magic was just crazy. I mean, probably the fact that I am a Griffin, and my mom is Abigail Griffin has something to do with it. Why else would they accept me? Is not like just because you’re a witch you have a place there…

Sure, I did really well in the theory exam, research paper, and essay; after all, I did pass three years going from one course to another. But the practical exam... I barely passed it. Like, the amount of strength that consumed me to do every little thing was really humiliating. By the end of the exam, I was practically an empty vessel without a single drop of energy to spare, and everyone was able to tell. The interview was even more embarrassing, but I keep repeating to myself that I promised my mom that I would I least try to get in (after a never ending and exhausting fight). They asked me to flash my power five times. I wasn’t sure I could do it a sixth if they had asked.

So… why and how was now I holding an acceptance letter? Was my last name enough? And more important: do I really wanted to go? I fought my mom on the application because I was sure I couldn’t get in in the first place, so why bother? But now I was in….

Assisting to the academy was my dream since I was little, I always wanted to go, to learn to control and use my power, to continue the Griffin legacy. But that was when my power was latent. Well, still was, but only I know that.

Now going to the academy implies a full new reality: it means constantly working with a heavily limited power, exhausting myself to the limit to try for reaching an acceptable level to pass classes. The practical part of the training was going to possibly destroy me.

And then there was the social part of things: even if the possibility of sharing classes with witches that knew me was really slim, it was impossible to escape the Griffin “legacy”, and I’m sure that as soon as everyone realizes that I don’t match even the standard power, there were two options: they make fun of me and it’s high school all over again, with the bullying, or I become an outcast. I was pouring all my hopes into the second option; we are all almost adults and mature now, right? Well, older at least… They should at least leave me alone…

I was in this internal discussion when my phone sounded. A text from Raven

_“I got in!”_

Yes. That Raven. The one that dated Finn after me, and practically sealed my future. She actually never said anything to me, and she didn’t stop the others, but at least she had left me alone. After she broke up with Finn she even was kind of friendly, but only if no one else was around.

We run into each other again at the course “magic, history, power, strength” that I had taken with the hope of finding a way to increase my limited access to power, and Raven trying to understand this new world of magic. She even apologized to me for the way she acted in high school, saying she was really a coward, thinking I was actually nice but was too afraid of being cast out too, just for been seen with me (which was probably what would have happened). I couldn’t hold it against her, no one wants to be an outcast in high school, and I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same she did if I was the one in her place.

We get along really well, I taught her all I knew of the magic world and she became a really good friend. My power kind of matched hers, but it’s clear that it took a lot more energy from me than from her to do the same spells or acts of magic. She never commented on it; never make me feel like there was something wrong with me. And I was really grateful for that.

_“I got in too”_

_“That’s awesome! I knew you could do it!”_

_“Thanks…”_

_“Everything good? You don’t sound happy”_

_“It’s a text. I don’t sound like nothing at all”_

_“smartass, you know what I mean”_

_“I don’t know if I’m happy…”_

_“I’ll be I your place in 20 minutes.”_

We sit in my room in silence. Raven processing why I was doubting to go to the academy.

\- Look, it’s your decision, but I think that you should go. You’re stubborn, like, really stubborn and if you really didn’t want to go you would have fought your mom on this much harder. You’re afraid. And I get it. I’m afraid to, for different reasons, but this means a big change in our lives for both of us. I can’t tell you that all your predictions aren’t true, sadly, they probably are. But you’re strong, so strong. And even if it seems like it, you’re not alone. If high school repeats itself, we’ll figure something out. And if it comes to it, you could always drop out. But maybe you should take this chance… which course did they recommend you anyway? I know you didn’t write what you wanted… - she finishes rolling her eyes.

I was so shocked by the acceptance part that I didn’t read the full letter. I run downstairs and pick up the letter, going back to my room to read it all.

Raven was recommended for “mechanical or light physic”.

\- Light physics. What that’s even supposed to mean?!

\- I don’t know exactly.

Raven had marked as a field of interest almost all the scientific ones. She knew she couldn’t get in the bigger programs like aero-spaceship as she really wanted because her power wasn’t that much, but she could still study and do magic in the field she loves. And then, once she gets a job, she could study in the human university and be wherever she wants having also knowledge and control of magic.

I didn’t mark any field. I would love to say medicine, or art, or even combat, but I couldn’t pretend like I have any chance of being admitted into any of those. The first one out was combat, which was for the really powerful witches, requires so much energy and control that only half of the students that enter graduate. Medicine like my mom was out, maybe I could aspire to some kind of “light medicine”, like taking care of terminal patients or maybe nurse, but that also requires power to contra rest the low energy of the patients, to whom you give part of yours to relieve their suffering, or so I read. And then was art. That was one option that my mom would have hated before, but I doubt I could get in there either, magic art requires a lot of control over your power, a lot of energy to manipulate and control emotions or even troughs, and on top of that, you also need good control over all the elements. Yeah, I was not a good candidate for any of them.

When I read the letter, I found out my recommended field: “guardian of knowledge”. I have to give it to them, that was a really good way of maintaining the Griffin legacy even with my amount of power. And I am good at remembering facts, spells, and history…

\- What is that? They want you to be like a walking Wikipedia of magic?

\- Something like that… it doesn’t require a lot of power, and even less practical use of magic. It’s basically a librarian job. Remember that the really powerful spells and most dangerous knowledge of magic aren’t on the internet or anywhere a simple human can find, and they’re only in a specific library in a different plane? They probably suggested this field not only for my lack of power but also because of my family name: even if the witches manipulating and guarding this knowledge aren’t that powerful, they are very respected in our community, since they’re the ones that everyone turns to for help in almost any magic matter.

I finish talking and a sigh escapes my lips. I was grateful that they even let me in, and even more, gave me the possibility of a very respectful future inside our world. But it wasn’t what I dreamed all my life, for me it was a consolation prize. And even worst, I knew I could do so much more if my power wasn’t blocked!

\- You know that what they recommended is just that, right? A recommendation, you still can do wherever you want, well, at least try to... the first few years are basic for everyone either way, right?

\- I know… but there isn’t much more than I can do.

\- Well, if you think like that, of course not!

\- Raven… I know you mean well, but really, there isn’t much that I can do in the magic field. I can be wherever I want in the human world, but when is down to magic, I’m limited by my power… It’s fine. I just have to survive the academy and then I’ll see what to do.

\- So, that means you’re going?

\- Yeah…

\- I hate that we can’t go to the same one…

\- I know. But we will keep in touch. And we will be in the same place in a year. If I survive a year…

\- Of course! You can’t get rid of me so easily!

There were two academies only. One for new witches like Raven, the first generation of her family: she would have all the same classes as me, but in addition, she would learn all the things that were practically an everyday thing for me, like “witch culture” in general and our history; and she would work on improving her power. New witches start with little power because their bodies can’t handle the change, but with training, it can reach their true potential. So even now, there was still hope Raven can eventually get into one good study program… The other academy was the big one for the rest of us. And the way the classes were sorted was pure raffle according to my mom. Some witches believe that there was some kind of energy in the universe that would take care of sorting out the students where they were supposed to be. The academy was so big that it was more than possible I didn’t get in the same sector with any I knew. After all, most of my peers in high school were humans…


	3. Chapter 3

The day I had to go I was not only nervous and anxious, but also so afraid I really was considering hiding under my bed, just like when I was little and waited for my dad to come and save me. Only that I was too old for that now. And my dad was dead.

There was a knock on my mom's home office door and a second later a woman opened it.

\- Clarke Griffin? Are you ready?

The academy brings in the students through travelers: witches that literally can travel anywhere, as long as there is a door in there; a really cool use of time and space manipulation if you ask me.

\- I’m so proud of you honey. You’re going to do great. Just don’t forget to call me once in a while, ok? – My mom hugs me goodbye – I love you, Clarke.

\- Love you too, mom.

I grab my things and follow the woman through the door. When the door closes behind me, another one appears in front. Once I cross it, I’ll be at the academy. The woman I was with guided me through it, saying “Clarke Griffin is here”, then just turned around and left, probably to pick up another student.

Another woman behind a desk gives me a map, a dorm’s name, and a room number. And says a really not too enthusiastic “welcome”.

After some walking, I got to the dorms and my room. I felt really relieved when I opened the door and some girl I didn’t recognize was behind it. Maybe this actually was a new start; I just have to cross my fingers and wish for not coming across anyone I know.

\- Hi, I’m Octavia. You’re my roomie?

\- It seems like it. I’m Clarke – since I’m purposefully left my last name out, I didn’t ask for hers.

\- Nice to meet you. Where are you from?

\- Arkadia. You?

\- Same

That gives me pause and I look at her again. I definitely didn’t recognize her, but Arkadia wasn’t a big city and she most likely was my age… the witch community was known and little there, but I don’t remember her… she must notice my confusion.

\- I was homeschooled. – My sigh of relief makes her do a confusing face– you ok there?

\- Yeah… sorry.

I started to unpack and chat with Octavia, she seemed cool. I was still a little reluctant after learning that she was from Arkadia; even if she was homeschooled, she must have some friends… and said friends could know me… or know about me… _face the problem when the problem comes, not before_.

\- So, do you know what you want to do?

\- Not really. I don’t even know if I’m going to do something magic-related for a living…

\- What they recommended you for? – people tended to not ask that if they don’t know you… kind of like not asking why someone is in jail, but apparently Octavia doesn’t know this or didn’t care.

\- Just… it doesn’t matter. I’m going to do the basic years and then I’ll see what I want…

\- Ok. That sounds good; we have time to decide after all… I want combat, but they recommended “elements”. I don’t even know what that means.

\- Probably they think you’re good at manipulating the elements… that gives you a really large field of action… and if you don’t get to combat you could most probably do something like make and test weapons and armor, it’s not the same but…

Octavia was looking at me wide-eyed

\- Wow. You know a lot about this stuff, don’t you?

\- I…kind of… - I say a little embarrassed. The nerd side of me was coming out early.

\- Hey! It’s ok. Thanks for the tip!

We have theoric classes in the morning and practical in the afternoon. Evenings were free time, which was encouraged to be used for studying. We can explore the place all we want.

The academy was actually a full island. I got to visit with my mom and dad when I was little, and I loved it. The buildings in this part were mostly like any other university, only this one was bigger, taking probably half the island. Some of the buildings were different inside, with large rooms protected through different spells designed for practicing magic in a safe environment; then, in other different sectors, where more of those buildings for more advanced students. Not all areas of advanced studies require their own buildings, but some do require them to be armored entirely; other areas can share space given that they don’t require extra precautions with the amount of magic and power that is released.

Then there was the “living” sector, where witches who didn’t want to stay in the “human world” could live. They were mostly retired witches without family. The island also has a little “center” with coffees and shops and even a bar, all of which only opened during the weekends. The beach was amazing, and there even was a lake on this side of the island that I really liked as a kid. Other than that, there were woods and nothing else.

This was a little safe place for all of us. The humans did not always welcome our kind. The witches, after suffering a lot of persecutions finally created this space, and protected it with powerful spells and enchantments that are renewed every year, making them even stronger. The humans didn’t even know where the island was, and for them the academy was “in another plane of existence”. The only thing that actually was in another plane is the magic library: the amount of power that is necessary to create another plane was really outstanding. It would be practically impossible to create a dimension for the whole academy. But the humans didn’t know that, all they know is what they have assumed, and no one corrected them.

After the witch hunt, the witches decided to reveal nothing to the outsiders. Even the humans married to witches didn’t know shit. When a witch or male descendent of witches has a child, the child is tested to see if they carry the “magic gen”. It was for our own protection. The human race never gave any signal of being trustworthy. But not all babies where tested, given that humans find that “invasive” (as if they don’t take blood from babies to check whether they are healthy), so the first generation of witches like Raven only find out that they carry the gene by ‘waking up’; men (any human really) can ask for a test once they reach the human legal age.

The first day was meant to meet the committee in charge of our stay there. Every building has a name (I’m in Trikru) and a particular committee to help the students in wherever way they may need, but mostly it acted as a consultant for the future. That encounter didn’t go too bad, but not completely well either, no that I was expecting any different.

Every student called is there for a couple of minutes, then they get out and wait outside the door. After a minute someone exits and hands them a paper, so the student can go, and another one is called into the office.

\- Clarke Griffin?

I approach the office ignoring the looks of the other girls waiting in the hall with me.

I sit in the only chair and face the three women in front of me. I knew their names and fields because they presented themselves to all of us before they started with the individual interviews: Indra Pine, an expert in combat and medical soldier (and really intimidating); Gaia Pine, a seer through specializing in research of all magic matters; and Anya Slyer, elementalist focused on manipulation.

As soon as they grab my file and read what probably were notes on my exams and previous interviews, my features and capacities, I could see how they make an effort to not look shocked. The only one still smiling sincerely and kindly was Gaia.

\- This would be quick, Clarke. The meeting is only so we can identify every student and you can know us. – Indra said – we encourage you to consult us in any matter that you require. The confidentiality of the consulting is granted. If you need help with any area of study, we can provide you with that, either from us or someone who we see fit.

\- If you have any social or family matter, you can count on us for support – Gaia continued – We can’t promise to resolve them but is good to have some other perspective or advice sometimes. Now, that said, have you thought about the recommended field? You didn’t put your interest in the application, and we’d like to know that, so we can help you decide or give you orientation in some way.

\- Aren’t the first years common studies?

\- Yes – Anya speak for the first time – they are common. But in the second year, all students are required to take courses of their different interests to find out whether they want to seek that path or not. You didn’t mark any interest so we don’t know which courses we can suggest for you to take.

\- Oh… ok… but, I have a year to decide, right?

\- Why won’t you just tell us what do you like or find interesting? – The tone in Anya’s voice was a little annoyed.

I take air and let it go before answering.

\- You all know why. I won’t make it in any advanced program. – I take a breath; the anxiety and nerves I get from maintaining the lie that is my life turns to worst whenever I have to talk about it. I look at them and flash my eyes – I don’t have the minimum power necessary for advanced studies. I know that and you all know that too.

I could see that Anya and Gaia were looking at me really attentive, Anya was even frowning. They were getting on my nerves!

\- Why is so important what I like if I can’t do it either way! But fine, I want to be here, I want to learn all I can… before I woke up I dreamed of doing magic in the fields of medicine like my mom, or maybe taking the path of art, God! I even fantasized about doing combat in the last years of high school! But don’t worry, you don’t have to give me the bad news about how I’m not suitable for that, I already know. My only possible aspiration is maybe being a magic librarian!

\- That position is of great honor – Gaia said sweetly

Taking note of what I just said, how and to who I quickly tried to save wherever is last of the meeting.

\- Sorry… I… I know. And I appreciate the recommendation and the opportunity to be here. Really…. But I don’t know if I want that for my future. I have to think about it…

An awkward silence. All three of them look at me differently, Indra is just stoic, impossible to read; Anya seems suspicious, keeps frowning; and Gaia has a barely-there smile but her gaze feels like she’s seeing more of me that I want to show.

\- Ok. I think we’re good for now. Wait outside and we will give you your schedule and decide which one of us would be your particular mentor. For now, we won’t suggest any extracurricular activities, better focus on figuring out what you want.

With that Indra dismisses me. When I get out, I notice all the students are looking at me, but I’m not sure if it was for being a Griffin or for the time I was in there, which was a lot more than the rest. And then things got even worst when no one was coming out, they were taking their fucking sweet time to come and give me the stupid paper. Then I crossed looks with someone from my past. She smiled and I froze. I hate that smile. I’m still afraid of that smile.

Anxiety was escalating really fast when the door opened. Gaia is the one to give me the papers.

\- It will be ok – then turns and calls someone else’s name.

I get out and sit on a bench to wait for Octavia. I read my schedule. Pretty standard, nothing I wasn’t waiting for. I knew the first year was pretty boring for most witches, it was all basic training and all theoric classes have the word “introduction” in the name.

At the end of the paper beside “mentor” were Anya _and_ Gaia’s names. I frown at that. Isn't supposed to be only one of them? From what I knew, and as they told us, Indra was the head of Trikru, so basically she was available for all of us, but we all are to have a “personal adviser”, which means you could get Gaia or Anya, who were witches who recently finished their studies. They must be only 5 or 7 years older than us, so the idea was that we would probably have more affinity and trust with them. Indra is most likely of my mother’s age.

I was folding the paper and putting it in my bag when I see something written at the bottom.

“ _Come look for me in the following days – Gaia_ ”

Great. The first day and I was already in trouble! I sure as hell didn’t have to insult one of the most respected jobs calling it a “magic librarian”! Great Griffin. Just great!

I think back to the little interview and it takes me a big effort not to facepalm myself. How can I be so stupid! I already was in the academy purely thanks to my family name, I don’t need to call attention to myself, and I sure as hell don’t need to get on the bad side of my unit committee. And now it may be too late… I remember Anya frowning at me and start wondering what my mom would say if I get expelled from the academy…

Before I can deepen in that thought someone sits beside me.

\- Why you didn’t tell me you were a Griffin?! – Despite the accusation, Octavia was smiling – is that why they took their sweet time with you? Do you know them? They were really intimidating. Even if they didn’t say much. Who did you get? I’m with Anya, but Indra said she liked my enthusiasm to combat and was going to keep an eye on me. Isn’t that cool?! Sorry, I talk a lot when I’m excited.

\- It’s ok. – I smile at her

\- Hey! What’s wrong?

\- Nothing. All good. I got two of them: Anya and Gaia. Guess they couldn’t decide who get to be stuck with me!

\- Haha more like who gets to mentor the new Griffin generation!

\- Can we not talk about my family name?

She gave me a weird look but shrug.

\- Do we have any classes together? I don’t really know anybody else here, so I hope we do…

We put our schedule side by side to compare; Octavia is looking through it but my gaze froze at her name. Octavia Blake. Blake. _Shit!_

I look at her. Could it be that she’s playing me? But with what purpose? She really seems to be nice and genuine, but I have learned the bad way that it didn’t mean anything really. She must feel me look at her because she stops talking and looks at me.

\- What?

\- You… your last name…

She frowns, confused.

\- It’s Blake. We’re not an original family, but not new either. Why?

\- Do you have a brother?... or cousin?

\- Yeah… I have a brother. He’s one year older than me. Bellamy. Why? Do you know him? He went to school unlike me so maybe you do.

My breath came short

\- Bellamy… I… I’m sorry, I need to go.

\- Wait! Clarke!

But I was already running away. Bellamy. Her brother is the stupid jerk that slept with me only to complete a dare. The stupid and egocentric boy that made me feel like garbage. I know it was years ago. I know it’s in the past. But I never actually worked through all that; I just put it behind me and never thought about it again. Not the best method. Now I’m having an anxiety attack because I’m sharing a room with the sister of one of my former bullies.

Then I remember the girl in the hall looking at me and my breathing gets worst. The girl who bullied me most of them all, the “head” of the bullies, was in the same building as me. From all the people in my past, why did it have to be her I cross paths with again?!

Through my mind flashed all the encounters I had with her and I have to sit down. I’m still in the middle of the park, but I really can’t go on. I sit and put my head in between my knees and focus on breathing.

_That’s not my reality anymore. It’s the past. I’m safe here. I’m safe here_.

I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder and jerk back on instinct. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> our beloved couple finally talks! how will it go?...

I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder and shrink back on instinct.

\- Sorry! I didn’t want to scare you. Just wanted to make sure you’re ok.

I look at this stranger and lost myself in green. Deep and calming green… She clears her throat and looks down. That’s when I realize I didn’t say anything yet.

\- I’m fine. Thank you. – It was clearly a lie. I was still breathing hard, even if I wasn’t in a full panic anymore.

\- Ok. Can I sit with you?

Before I could respond she’s already sitting. She looks to the distance; I look at her. _I can feel her power like it’s crawling on my skin… just how powerful is this girl?!_ she pulls out Kleenex from her bag and pass it to me.

Oh god… I didn’t even realize I was crying before, and my eyeliner wasn’t waterproof. Great.

\- Thanks.

\- I’m Lexa. Lexa Woods.

She’s in my building too. I remember Anya calling her. Woods is another original family, but I only got to see her back before she had already entered the office.

\- Clarke

\- Nice to meet you… is there someone we need to hit for you or how can I help?

I can’t not laugh at that. And I can’t not feel warm inside at the thought of someone wanting to defend me. It’s been so long since I felt that. Probably my parents would have done everything to protect me, but they didn’t know I needed protection in the first place…

\- It’s ok… it’s in the past…

\- Are you sure? – I nod – ok then. Let me know if you change your mind. – She smiles at me and I can’t avoid the smile forming on my own lips.

I realize I’m breathing fine again, and the anxiety is gone. I take a big breath and let it out slowly. Three times. She doesn’t say anything, just stays with me.

After some minutes she talks again.

\- Which building are you in?

\- Trikru

She seems surprised.

\- Me too. I didn’t see you waiting in the hall…

\- I try to pass unnoticed. Went well until they called me – she frowns

\- Why?

_She will find out sooner or later_.

\- I’m Clarke Griffin. It kind of draws attention. Well, same as your name, I guess.

\- Oh… but no. That’s not what I mean. Why do you try to pass unnoticed?

I wasn’t expecting that question.

\- I don’t like attention; don't deal well with it either.

\- It's kind of hard with our names, but still, not the same. Not looking for attention is one thing, but actively trying to not get noticed is another. You should be yourself, regardless of the people around you. Whether you draw attention or not, it shouldn’t be a conscious act – she must see my face because she continues - if you put effort into not getting noticed, not only you’re wasting energy in continually reading the surrounding to blend in, but you’re actually limiting yourself, preventing you from being just you…

\- And how do you know if me being me is a good thing?

\- How could it not?

We stay in silence after that but it’s not awkward. After some time, I get up.

\- I should go talk to my roomie. Kind of left her hanging in the middle of a conversation earlier. It was nice to meet you, Lexa. See you around.

\- Nice to meet you too. See you…

When I get to my room Octavia is sitting in her bed and immediately puts down her phone and looks at me.

\- Clarke…

\- Hey… I’m sorry for running like that. I just needed some space.

\- It’s ok… we should talk…. – I sit in my own bed and nod – I know you know my brother.

I see her looking at her phone. She must have talked to him… _what did he say to her?_

\- You talked to him?

\- Yeah… - she must see my fearful look – I don’t believe him.

\- What did he say?

\- It doesn’t matter. I don’t believe him. I shouldn’t have texted him, but I was curious and worried. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for wherever my brother did to you.

\- You don’t know me. Why would you take my side? – I wanted to believe her, but it was suspicious.

\- He was my hero my whole childhood, but two years ago he didn’t know I was in my room and he came home with his girlfriend Gina. I heard the way he treated her, what he said to her, and my world kind of broke. He wasn’t the person I was so sure he was… After that I started to pay more attention to him, and realized that he was always been like that, I just didn’t see or didn’t want to see it. He resents all witches… my dad had the gen; my mom is human. And he doesn’t have the gen, but I do. So I think he’s resentful because not only he can’t use magic because he’s a man, but he didn’t have the gen, so all the magic world is out of his reach… he traits women poorly, but he traits witches worst. I guess I’m just the exception because I’m his sister. I went to the school when I was little, but after my dad died he convinced my mom of home school me because “the world was dangerous” and “witches would try to get me away from them”… I applied to the academy without them knowing. They think I’m on a scholarship in Australia right now… they don’t even know my power has been released. He would die of a heart attack probably…

She finishes smiling. I stay in silence trying to process all that. I knew Bellamy was a dick, but hearing his own sister talking like that of him and realize he actually didn’t change was a lot.

\- I hope we can still be friends. I would understand if we can’t but know that I’m not him.

\- I would like it if we could still be friends. You’re right, you’re not your brother. And I’m sorry for earlier. I was hoping that this would be a new start and suddenly the worst parts of my past are everywhere…

\- You don’t have to tell me anything, but I’m here if you ever what to talk about it.

\- Thanks. But let’s leave the heavy talk for now. Do you want to go to grab something to eat? I skipped lunch and I’m hungry.

The next day classes start. I share most of my morning classes with Octavia, but only one in the afternoon, self-defense. It seemed odd to me that we already were giving classes on some form of combat skill, but Octavia was more than excited. We then find out that it was a class where we will learn to fight without magic. Even odder… but Octavia was still excited…

My morning classes, even if a little boring at first, were keeping me in a good mood. I know I could make it through them with some study. The first class of the afternoon was self-defense. I of course paired up with Octavia… looking in retrospective, that wasn’t such a good idea… I knew I would be bad at practicing magic, but it seems that I’m just as bad without magic in practical things too.

And then everything crumbles. Well, maybe I’m being dramatic, it wasn’t that bad, but I knew the bad was coming: the next day to be exact. The first lesson on practical use of magic, consisted in running through all security measures and precautions we should have, possible dangers and consequences, and information on what exactly we will learn in each class. There were in total three “use of magic” classes, each one focused on one type of control: mental, emotional, and physical. And I was sure I would fail all three of them. All the more because they don’t work on spells, but pure control of our power.

One good thing about these classes: Lexa was in them. And she sat beside me in all three. I must have been smiling like an idiot when I came back to the room because Octavia asked what was going on immediately… and of course, I dismissed the question just as fast.

One of the bad things about these classes: Lexa was in them. I kind of like her, even if I just met her, she’s like beyond beautiful; sculpted by the goddesses beautiful. Her eyes are like they hold all the secrets of the universe in their emerald glow, and she keeps smiling at me every time we make eyes contact and her smile is so sweet… we didn’t talk much, true, but she kept me company when she definitely didn’t have to, so I’m pretty sure at least she’s not a bad person… but even without all of that I just have a feeling that she’s good, I feel really good when I’m close to her, almost at peace (I’m ignoring the quickly developing crush right now, I have other things to focus on).

The thing is, if I want to impress her, I’m pretty sure I was not in the right place. The girl is a Woods, and a powerful one at that. And I’m a Griffin, a not powerful one. During the next class, all professors were to run quick tests just to see where we are at, how much power we have, and how much of it we can control. It was going to be embarrassing. But I already knew that before coming here, right?

The next day came by so much faster than I would have liked it. And I haven’t had time to prepare myself for the rejection I was about to go through. For the massive outcasting I think I was more or less prepared to; high school being kind of like a pre-game. The thing is that in every class we need to have a partner to work with. I was mentally going through the people in my classes when Lexa calls for my attention.

\- Hey, Griffin. What do you think if we paired up?

All I wanted to tell her was “YES”, but…

\- I… tell you what, ask me again after classes today if you still want to be my partner by then.

She looks confused, but I know she would understand later today. And I know I make the right decision even if I wasn’t prepared for not hearing her ask me again.

All classes were in pairs, so one poor soul would be my partner. I just hope it would be someone nice. Or at least not mean.

The professors of all three classes were together. It would be easier and faster if we do it like that. That means we were to perform in front of the triple of students. Great.

We were all in the gym, waiting to be called (there doesn’t seem to be any logic in which order they call). I was running high on nerves and anxiety but trying hard to control it and not let it show. Lexa and Octavia both look at me and frown.

\- Clarke! Are you ok? – Octavia was the first to ask

\- Yeah. Yes. Everything is ok. I’m fine. Yeah….

That answer only makes her frown more, but I was called next.

The first test was not actually a test; it was just to flash our eyes to the professors. Even if they already know the amount of power every one of us has. It’s in their fucking notes. But no. They have to see for themselves… Ok, to be fair, is not like the power can be measured quantitatively, so it's logical that even if all of us were classified by level from 1 (cero power) to 21 (no one is level 21), they want to know with a little more specifics or even confirm if we should be in that level.

That was easy, only the professors can see my eyes, but I wish they were better actors, because they’re still shocked and double-check that I am indeed Clarke GRIFFIN.

After that is where the really bad part starts.

I thought of doing the spell that I have to do once a week at least to maintain my power as it is. It turns out if I don’t do that the fucking “crack in the wall” would heal herself. And it turns out that I didn’t anticipate (actually, didn’t think about it) that having to share a bedroom would complicate things. Like for started, the sexual energy I need in the air would be extremely hard to get, like near impossible (I’m not going to masturbate, and risking getting caught). The spell I could do it maybe in the bathroom, but it takes time, and Octavia is a curious and impatient person. And honestly: I was paranoid I was going to get caught. Like, I’m even afraid to do the spell on the island. But I would have to find a place to do it if I was going to stay here.

The thing is, the “crack in the wall” wasn’t in the best shape (best being the most open), so I struggle from the first test of “lit all the candles you can” to the last “break the mirror in has many pieces as you can”.

The murmurs started as soon as I finish the first test. After the third one, one of the teachers as to ask for silence so we can continue. There were five tests. I have made three cracks in the mirror before I almost pass out.

I was dismissed and Octavia is called. I don’t look at her when we pass each other.

Going back to my place at the back of the gym after what I felt were the longest minutes of my life, was what one would call “the supreme walk of shame”. No one said anything. But the silence was so absolute that it was making me want to crawl away from my own skin.

I was about to reach my place when I hear her

\- Seems like nothing has changed _princess_ … - Echo

Before I could say anything, not that I know what to say or even have the energy to said anything, Lexa is standing in front of me. Echo shuts up and I go to my place. I don’t say a word during the rest of the class. The only thing I give attention to besides my hands on my lap is when Lexa is called.

She makes honor to her family name: turns on every candle, makes all the feathers fly not even dispersing them, changes the colors of at least half the cups (I changed the half of one cup), makes all three basketball balls go through the hoop (half the class didn’t hit the target so I wasn’t feeling bad for failing that one), and finally, she brakes the mirror in so many cracks that I don’t think they can be counted. Her test was over in three minutes max.

The silence in which she returns was so different from mine. It was a silence loaded with admiration. And with reason. I hear someone murmur that she was for sure a level 18.

When the class is dismissed, I hurried to get out of there. I don’t run, but I do walk fast. Not fast enough to not see the number of girls approaching Lexa to ask her to be her partner; probably every single one that is in our class. I feel a strong pressure in my chest, like someone is squeezing my heart. _It will pass…_ She can choose whoever she wants… I would find out tomorrow who was the unlucky person that was without a partner and was stuck with me. But for now, I need to recompose myself.

I walk for almost half an hour to the lake. Is quiet here.

At first, I didn’t know how to feel. There were too many emotions: shame, impotence, anger, guilt, sorrow, more shame, rejection. But under all of that, I feel proud. I did it. It was not nearly a perfect exam, it was pretty close to failure, but I stood there, did every fucking test the best I could, even with what felt like thousands of eyes judging me. I completed the test and stayed the rest of the class. And I didn’t panic once. Sure, my life would be hard here, but what’s new? I would have to face this every single day from now on. But I made it the first couple of days. And I should be proud of that.

I stayed at the lake for almost an hour and then went back slowly. I remember Gaia’s note and think this is as good a moment as any other to look for her, but when I reach Trikru I see Lexa sitting by the entrance door.

As soon as she sees me, she rushes up and approaches me.

\- Clarke! How are you?

\- Lexa? What were you doing? I’m good I think.

\- Can we talk?

I nod and we walk to a nearby tree and sit.

\- I was waiting for you. You got out of class really fast and I couldn’t catch up. I found the girl you were talking to in class… Octavia? And she said you didn’t go back to your room. I waited outside so I wouldn’t miss you.

I’m more than a little confused, but a warm feeling envelops me. Until I realize. Lexa is nervous, and that’s probably why she’s talking so fast. She waited to talk to me and tell me she already has a partner. She’s a good person; at least she’s taking the time to tell me face to face. Still hurts, but I understand. Is not good for her to be my partner. I would hold her back at best and drag her down at worst. We still can be friends, right? At less she doesn’t want to be seen with me… but then she wouldn’t have waited outside only to talk to me, right? …

\- Would you be my partner for class?

\- It’s ok. I understand, you don’t have to… wait. What?

Lexa squirms under my shocked look. The way she’s acting now is so different from the girl that first asked me to “pair up” that is like seeing a totally different Lexa.

\- Would you be my partner for class?

She repeats, so I know I’m not imagining things. Even so, it took me several seconds to articulate an answer.

\- Why? – _ok, not a very hard articulated sentence…_

\- Why what?

\- Why me?

\- Because I would like for you to be my partner.

\- But why me Lexa? You can choose whoever you want. You were there today. You have seen my test. Why would you choose me? – _at less this is a dare… or joke… but Lexa wouldn’t do that, would she?_

\- Why can’t I choose you?

\- Because it would be bad for you!

\- Let me decide that. Please. Also, we probably would end up together anyway because I said I already have a partner to those who asked me, so everyone else probably is already paired up.

I have to laugh at that.

\- Why would you do that?

\- Is that a yes?

\- Lexa. Of course, I want to be your partner. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck with me. I could seriously delay or obstruct your studies, and I really don’t want that.

\- You won’t do that.

\- How are you so sure?

\- Because you are powerful…

\- Don’t make fun of me, please.

\- I’m not making fun of you, I promise. I… - she squirms in her place again – I can feel your power… - I frown at that – just… heard me out. I’m kind of a little empathic. Like, not complete. I’ve been seen as cold by most people because I learned to block out all stimulus so I can feel just me. But for some reason with you is different. I have a hard time blocking you, but even when I get to block you totally, I can literally feel your power emanating from you. I was so shocked when you started the test, but not because I thought you have power for being a Griffin. It was because I knew you have the power to complete those tasks so easily… I… I feel a lot of power coming from you, but now that I’m paying attention, it feels like it’s coming in waves, and from random directions…

Now it was my turn to be restless. I’ve been around a lot of powerful witches all this time and none of them seemed to catch in my lie. Maybe is only because she’s empathic?... oh god, she’s empathic…

\- I don’t like to tell people I’m empathic, so, if you could…

\- Yeah, yeah, of course…

\- Thanks.

\- About the power thing… like… if I show you the flash on my eyes, can you tell me if it is the same amount that you feel?

\- I think so…

\- Ok

I look at her and flash my power. And she frowns.

\- It’s not. Like, it’s not even half of it. I can feel so much more… you’re not doing this on purpose?

\- Yeah, because I liked so much being humiliated in front of all our classmates. I lie for that shit! – _well… I_ ** _did_** _lie for that…_

\- Sorry. You’re right. But… we can work on that. We can look for information and work on that, I would help you with what I can. Maybe you just need to work on the control part first.

\- Control part?

\- Well… I don’t know if you realize this, probably the rest of the class didn’t. But you kind of multitasked the tests today.

\- I didn’t multitask Lexa. I barely could do one at a time.

\- Well… when you were shooting the basketball, you lifted like a quarter of the feathers. While you were changing the color of the cup, you lit five more candles. And when you were against the mirror, the cup completely changed color and then broke…. So yeah… you were multitasking, maybe not consciously, but yeah…

\- Oh my god… so not only I don’t have much power, but I can’t even control the little amount I have… that’s great. Just great!

\- Hey… we’re here to learn, don’t we?

\- Everyone here already knows how to do that! Even Raven knows how to do that!

\- Who?

\- She’s a friend. First generation.

\- Oh…

\- What I’m going to do?

\- Well... be my partner for starts. And then we will figure it out.

\- We?

Yes. We.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few days were… strange. It seemed like society (the student body of the academy) was unsure of what to do. Lexa was like the football star and had chosen as a partner the pariah of the school: me. So, the balance was delicate: if they totally outcast me, that could end up dragging Lexa too; but trying to approach Lexa entails the possibility of being seen with me. Like I said, interesting and strange days.

Octavia opted for not to make any comment on the test. And I didn’t see any change in the way we interact. It was probably not good for her social status the fact that she was seen with me in all our morning and self-defense classes, plus meals, but I wasn’t going to be completely alone if I had a choice.

I heard some comments about how Lexa and Octavia were with me for pity. It hurt a little, but I decided that I can’t live thinking that everyone is either hating me or pitying me. If they don’t want to be my friends is up to them, I’m not forcing anyone to spend time with me.

Raven helped a lot in that reasoning… like, repeating it in every conversation we had (either call or text). Also, she offered to come here to “kick some asses”. I thanked her every time. It was good to talk to her, and she was doing really good in the Academy, said that for the first time she was ahead in “history” and “witches community” thanks to ‘all the things I taught her just by being her ‘witch friend’.

When the weekend came, Lexa practically dragged me to the library at an unholy hour in the morning (9 am, but it was Saturday, ok?). We found a little problem when we got there: we had no idea what we were looking for. The librarian asked what we wanted, and we looked at each other like idiots.

\- Power control? – I said

\- Locked power? – She said at the same time.

The woman looks at us and sighs.

\- Corridor 10 is control, corridor 15 is locked power. There is not much on this second subject here, hindered power is considered a delicate matter and almost all information on it is in the magical library, you would need permission to access that. The locked power information we have here refers mostly to the power wall there's before the awakening of a witch. If you need anything else, look for me. Any book you take out of the shelves and don’t remember exactly where it was, please let it on the table, I would put it back to its place later.

\- Thank you

The control section wasn’t of much help; it was all about how to control specific spells, or how to not lose control. Nothing on what happens when you never have it in the first place. It’s supposed to be something natural for a witch...

The other section was more or less the same. But mostly because I couldn’t really look that stuff with Lexa there.

\- This is all about the first lock. The wall before the awakening. It’s useless. There’s nothing on blocked power after a witch wakes up…. – She says

\- Let’s go.

\- We could try to ask permission to go to the magic library.

\- Permission based on what exactly? We’ve been in the academy for a week. There is no way we could be studying this stuff.

\- Maybe we should seek help.

\- No

\- But… what if it is a spell or enchantment on you? or something like that?

\- It’s not… who and why would do that?

\- I don’t know… but you’re a Griffin. My family and yours know that if an attack is to be made upon the witch community, it would probably start with our families.

\- You think this is an attack? From whom?

\- Witch hunters

\- Witch hunters… Lexa… what are you talking about?

\- Look, no one really knows. But there have been some subtle movements that suggest a new rise of the dark years. Humans have been provoking witches all over the world. Isolated encounters, but if you put them all together, they have the same patterns, like they are planned. And all are made in such a way that if the witch reacts, it will seem like the witch attacked a human deliberately and with malice. They’re trying to start a new war, but don’t want to take the blame for the first attack.

\- Lexa… where did you hear all that?

\- My dad is a high general in the male division of the witch army, the one the humans are too oblivious to realize exists… I heard him talking in his office days before I came here. They’re trying to infiltrate in the hunter’s community to look for proof.

\- That’s… that’s insane…

\- I’m not crazy.

\- That’s not what I mean. I’m mean that if that’s true…the world as we know it can fall apart at any moment… but that would certainly explain all the extra combat skills that are teaching us. They think that we’re going to need them sooner rather than later. – Lexa only nods – ok. I need air. We’ve been here for hours. Let’s go eat something. Is the weekend, we’re supposed to be relaxing. Not stressing ourselves out even more. Come on!

The rest of the day passes quietly, even if the mood stays sour after the previous discussion.

It has been two full weeks since that weekend. And I have made close to zero progress. Lexa somehow managed to improve in the class, and I think that’s the only reason why the professors didn’t break up our partnership. They keep checking on us pretty often. So much that it has started to keep me on my nerves and Lexa seemed to be one step from start screaming at the teachers that “we are fine!!”.

During all that time I did little travels to the library to read all I could on locked power. So far, nothing revealing, just more of the same: the problem was in my head, probably some trauma or a serious anxiety problem, or trust issues, or abandonment, or control. Pretty much it could be anything or all together, and with my luck, it was all together.

But even with this lack of luck in my research, I was starting to feel the academy as a new home, my new normal. And I liked it. I talked to Raven any other day, spend time with Octavia, and much more time with Lexa. Echo is still a bitch, and has her followers like always, but I try to not let her affect me.

There have been some subtle insults or mean comments thrown my way under breath in passing, but in my book that was nothing, I’m more concerned about things escalating the way they did back in high school, giving that the bullying started just like this. But here people were more cautious about who was around when they decided to say something to me. It seemed that our culture was right in setting adult age at 25 because clearly there are still people who didn’t grow up. I really hope that the “adult world” isn’t like this, that would mean my whole life would be like living in a bigger high school, from where I couldn’t escape. A chill run down my back at that thought.

Despite the efforts of my bullies to be subtle, Octavia has caught on it. But I think that was because they (and the entire student body) tried to “recruit” her to their cause: make me the pariah of the academy (or at least of my building, we didn’t interact much with others dorms given that they have their lessons in another building as well). I have to give it to her, it would have been so much easy for her to just turn her back to me, even more with how much I know she wanted to make friends and finally live a life away from her controlling mother and brother; but she stays by my side and even more, she jumped to my defense when some of our classmates were brave enough to say something in our faces.

So, Octavia really helped in that department. Raven too, with our endless talks wherever we can (not as often as we’d like it, but still, must do).

Lexa was really a breath of fresh air, I always felt lighter when I’m with her. I’m sure she has seen the looks everyone gives me, but whenever she’s with me she glares back a hundred times worst, so everyone took the hint in a couple of days: don’t mess with her. So basically, I’m mostly free of bullying if she’s near, at least for now.

\- Is anyone bothering you? – Lexa’s question caught me off guard

We were walking on the beach after practicing some control with the sand. Lexa was trying to help me work on my focus, which in this exercise was evident I didn’t have: every time I tried to lift a handful of sand there was nothing in the air, or we ended up with little grains of sand flying all around us. We were just walking in silence after making our best to take of the sand out of our heads, in a fit of laughter after my last failed attempt of control.

\- What do you mean?

She looks at me and then straight ahead before answering, her face serious.

\- I think I was rather naïve to think people in our dorm were leaving you in peace after one or two threats… I’m sorry… Echo’s group didn’t saw me yesterday and they were talking… why didn’t you say anything? You know you can trust me, right?

\- Oh… I know, is just that I didn’t want you to look at me differently…

\- Differently?

\- Yeah… like someone weak, someone you need to protect or whatever… I don’t like the pity look, as if I’m some poor helpless damsel... And you never looked at me like that. I just didn’t want it to change I guess….

Because despite Octavia’s good intentions, sometimes her overprotective look and behavior didn’t make me feel exactly good, but more like a little kid… 

Lexa stopped walking and turned to face me. The intensity in her gaze was terrifying and intoxicating at the same time.

\- I would never think of you like someone weak. You are one of the strongest persons I know. And what if you need some help with those jerks? I would like to see their faces when your power makes a real appearance. 

\- Lex…

\- I know. You think that will not happen, but I disagree. And we would have to agree to disagree here. Time will tell I was right, don’t worry – she finished with a wink. 

\- I blush and simile. We keep walking…

\- Why don’t you go for help? ask someone?

\- Can we change the subject? 

\- I just feel like there is something you’re not telling me. But that’s ok I guess… whenever you’re ready…

Making things more complicated, I was sure my crush was evolving rather fast and I was developing serious feelings for Lexa. Like, strong feelings for Lexa, the kind of feelings that would have me freaking out after a year of meeting someone, and I was feeling them in less than a month of meeting her. So, you could say I was freaking out pretty bad. Raven keeps insisting on just “ _go ahead, what could go wrong? At least get laid and share some powerful sexual energy!_ ” Definitely not helping. Octavia has caught on it too and was adamant in convincing me that Lexa was giving me major heart eyes, that we were just two useless witches for not coming forward with this. For my part, I was doing the thing I do best: suffer in silence. 

In better news, I also found a little cabin, more of a hut (it only has one little room, not even a bathroom, maybe was some kind of forest ranger post or storage of some kind) that seemed abandoned in the woods, at 45 min walking from Trikru. So, I could perform my spell there. Every Sunday night I wait till Octavia is sleeping and then get out. It takes me 45 min to get there; another hour or so to complete the spell and another 45 min to get back. Mondays I must look like a zombie, but so far nobody suspects anything. 

Is Friday and as we are approaching the first lesson on practical magic, I see Gaia standing just outside the door.

\- Shit!

I must have said it out loud because Lexa looks at me confused.

\- I was supposed to go see Gaia. And I totally forgot. She’s going to kill me.

\- Gaia? Kill you? Yeah right… if you have said Anya I may be worried, but Gaia?

Gaia approaches us before speaking.

\- Clarke, Lexa. How are you?

\- I’m so sorry Gaia, I totally forgot. I know is not an excuse. I’ll go find you after class, I promise.

\- That won’t be necessary. Lexa, I know you’re her partner, so you’ll have the afternoon free. Don’t worry, I already talked to all your professors. Clarke, if you would join me, please…

\- Can’t we go to class? I promise I will find you later – I needed time to prepare myself for wherever this was…

\- Sorry, but Anya must travel this evening, so we want to do this now.

I tense at the mention of Anya. I have thought that this was going to be a chat only with Gaia…Anya kind of scares me. Come on! Even Lexa was scared of her and she has been taken under Anya’s wing! Oh god, if Lexa is scared of her…

\- And what exactly is “this”? – Lexa says with caution after seeing my surely terrified face.

\- We just want to talk to you, Clarke. Nothing more, ok? I hope it won’t take long; you can wait for her outside Lexa, if that makes the two of you more comfortable?

There was definitely amusement in the last part of her offer. Either way, we took it. She didn’t wait for an answer; just turned around and started walking. And I started to panic. Lexa took my hand and give me a little squeeze. But now my heart was racing not only because of the mysterious talk but because LEXA WAS HOLDING MY HAND!! My heart did a little jump, like an Olympian jump. From a cliff.

We go into “The Flame”, aka the building with all the offices. We stop in a little lobby, where Gaia gestures to an armchair for Lexa to sit and then guides me to a door. I just have time to read Anya’s name on the plaque.

Anya is sitting behind a big desk. She raises her head to look at me and points to a chair in front of the desk, a little apart from it. I feel as if I've been called to the director's office but didn’t know why I was in trouble.

As soon as I sat, Anya stood up, came to the front of the desk and reclined against it. It was a fucking power play!: now I’m sitting and Anya and Gaia (who has joined us already) are towering over me from their standing position. Like if the actual power they have wasn’t enough, they resort to this bullshit. A bullshit that fucking works, since I start to get restless in my seat.

\- Can you tell us why you didn’t look for us like we asked you to? – Anya’s voice is stern.

\- I’m sorry. I just forgot. – I didn’t have time to think of a better excuse, and I really just forgot.

\- You forgot. – the way she says it is a clear accusation

\- Sorry.

I see Gaia slapping Anya’s bicep.

\- It’s ok. We’re here now.

No one said anything for 15 seconds. I counted. That’s my anxiety limit it seems.

\- So… why I’m here exactly?

\- You have been lying and we want to know why.

\- Anya! – Gaia reproaches her

All blood leaves my body. Or that’s how it feels at least...


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaia and Anya have a little chat with Clarke...

_They know. How do they know? How much do they know? And whom would they tell? Who else knows? Oh god… they’re going to expel me…_

> \- Clarke? Clarke! I need you to breathe. It’s alright. – Gaia says

I nod. _It’s going to be alright. I’m just going back to my old life. Nothing more._

> \- Well, there's no way you can deny that you are lying now. Just take a big breath and relax, no one is going to kill you, ok? – Anya says, the stern in her voice is gone.

It was a tramp. And I fell right in it. _Great_.

I glare at her and she smirks. She fucking smirks at me.

> \- Don’t get so mad, it was only to get this conversation moving faster. Now we can skip the part where you deny you are hiding something and get directly to the part where you explain yourself.

_Ok. Now what?_

> \- I didn’t do anything – _Improvisation isn’t my strong fort exactly…_

Anya sighs, frustrated. And Gaia takes the leads once again.

> \- We’re only here to help you. Please remember that… in the interview we both realized you were hiding something, most likely about your power. What and why, is what we would like to know…
> 
> \- It’s… it’s nothing really… - I deny slowly.
> 
> \- No one almost panics for nothing, Clarke – Anya continues – even if turns out to be nothing to us, is clearly important to you, to the point that is affecting you. Maybe we can help. Or find someone that can help.

I just look at them. _Now what?_ I could feel my flight or fight instincts kick in, and I fight against it. I can't run (even if I look to the door and count the steps to it) and I can’t fight them either. They sincerely seem to want to help but…

> \- Let’s see… - Anya said – do you know what it means that I specialize in manipulation? What that entails?
> 
> \- No
> 
> \- It means that not only I can read body language, but I can feel the other person if I want to. You were nervous when first entered here. Now you are terrified.
> 
> \- You’re empathic? – _Not another one… I already have to control myself in front of Lexa so she doesn’t catch up on my feelings… now Anya too?!_
> 
> \- Not exactly. An empathic can connect with another person’s feelings without trying, they must actively block their ability. I learned to be empathic at will if you like. I must activate the ability instead of turning it off… Clarke, in the interview, you weren't lying all the time. It was subtle. You were just hiding something. At first, I thought it was your business, nothing important. But then, when you said that you didn't have the power to enter the advanced studies… that was a lie. And was confusing too, because you don’t actually have that power, unless… you’re hiding it? But why?
> 
> \- And that, plus my reading, clues us into something. I’m a seer through, you know what that is?
> 
> \- You can predict things… or see things that others can’t.
> 
> \- But more than predict, I see possibilities... And I’m still trying to connect the girl I have in front of me with the powerful witch I see through my energy eye.
> 
> \- You mean… I would… I…
> 
> \- I don’t know. If you don’t tell us what is wrong, we can’t help you.

I nod, but still remain silent.

> \- What are you so afraid of?

I must be careful of how I respond to Anya's questions.

> \- Of you expelling me – _of mom finding out I lied, everyone finding out, of having something really wrong with me that can’t be fixed…_
> 
> \- Wherever you were thinking after your answer, that’s what really scares you. What is it? We are not going to expel you.
> 
> \- Everyone finding it out, ok? That’s what scares me. I don’t want anyone to know I’m broken!
> 
> \- You’re what? Why would you say that?...
> 
> \- Let’s go for parts: we can work with that. No one has to know what we talk about here. We want to help. We will ask your permission to tell whatever it is to another person, at least if you’re not in danger. I don’t know what is going on, so I can’t assure you we won’t need help from someone else, ok?

I nod but remain silent otherwise.

> \- From what I gather, you know you have more power than we can see. Are you blocking it on purpose? Are you afraid of it? – Anya decides to manage this like an interrogatory it seems. Fine with me. Is better to answer simple questions than relating the story of my pathetic life.
> 
> \- No
> 
> \- Can you feel all the power in you?

I frown and think about it.

> \- No
> 
> \- Do you have access to all your power but can’t manifest it?
> 
> \- No
> 
> \- How do you know there is more power then? – Anya was clearly losing some patience.
> 
> \- I… I know. I just know. I don’t know how much more, but there is more. Lexa said the same, she can feel it.

She just looks at me. I know she’s reading me, but I didn’t lie there. Gaia takes the pause to speak.

> \- So maybe it has something to do with the awakening. – I try to remain quiet knowing that Anya is still looking – how long ago have you woken up?
> 
> \- Two years more or less – I try to sound as casual as possible. Gaia is giving me her back, pacing the floor, thinking.
> 
> \- And have you known this all this time?
> 
> \- Yes
> 
> \- Why not ask for help then?
> 
> \- Nothing can be done.
> 
> \- But yet, you have been looking into it in the library. – At my surprised face she adds – yes, I know about that, nothing wrong with investigating, even if you’re looking into books that most probably won’t have anything of help.

If they know what I research…

> \- Let’s go back. Maybe something prevented a complete awakening. That could explain why she knows but doesn't feel it… but what could do that? I don't remember reading anything like that… how did you awake?
> 
> \- What do you mean how? You know how. Everybody knows how!
> 
> \- Sorry, sorry… but what could happen to… where you interrupted in any way during or after the awakening?
> 
> \- No

My heart is beating like crazy. I should just tell them. It can’t be that hard! But then I must explain all I did to cover it up… that’s what really makes me feel ashamed now. But they’re going to figure it out anyway… how much longer could I really maintain this?...

Gaia continues to pace and murmur to herself. And Anya is looking at me, arms crossed and a shocked but determined look… _Shit!_

> \- How was it? – She stands straight, arms still crossed over her chest.
> 
> \- How was what?
> 
> \- Your awakening, how was it?

_Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit_

> \- Good
> 
> \- Uhmm… are you sure?
> 
> \- Yes!
> 
> \- Anya! What are you.. – Gaia tries to intervene
> 
> \- Are you awake, Clarke? – She asks in a really calm voice. But my answer is all but calm.
> 
> \- Of course I’m awake!

She just looks at me and I know she knows. She caught me in a straight lie. I can feel my face heat up and I look down. I hear her sigh.

> \- Clarke? – Gaia is in front of me now, squatting so she can look at my red face – are you awake? – Her voice is sweet and calm.

I can only deny it with my head and feel tears filling my eyes. I close them. I won't cry over this. Not in front of anybody at least.

I can hear the two of them talking in whispers. Then Anya speaks again.

> \- Clarke? There's nothing wrong with that. Everybody has their own time. It can be a little uncommon but is not wrong, ok?... what is worrying us now is how you have any power at all…

And now comes the worst part.

> \- I… I used a spell…

I heard two gasps and then Gaia speaks fast.

> \- What spell did you use? Is it an official spell? What does it do? How does it work? Do you know?

I squirm in the chair.

> \- I can… write it to you?...

Not three seconds later Anya is forcefully putting paper and a pen in front of me on the desk. I have to stretch a little, my hands are shaking, and my mind is spinning so fast that I can barely think. But after some minutes I finish writing it and pass Gaia the paper.

I can’t make myself look up yet.

> \- So it's not an official spell… It's not a very strong spell… it could maybe crack the natural block a little, but not enough to let pass any real power… who did you perform the spell with, Clarke? How powerful was their magic?
> 
> \- I did it by myself.
> 
> \- This requires sexual energy and given the power you manifest now, it probably has to be a very powerful witch the one you need to have sex with. Otherwise, there's no way this could work on its own.

Not even three seconds have passed and I’m still trying to gather my thoughts and formulate an answer when Anya speaks.

> \- It's over. – Anya's voice is still calm, but a little stern again. She was tired of this and so was I – just tell us who helped you and exactly how, so we can try to fix it… Please, just talk.
> 
> \- No one helped me, ok? I'm not lying … the spell, I worked it myself, and performed it myself. I masturbate for the sexual energy necessary. It was only me. ALONE. No one else knows anything. Absolutely no one.
> 
> \- That can’t be possible…
> 
> \- I did the spell more than once. That’s why it worked.

Both of them release defeated sighs.

> \- How many times did you do the spell and with what frequency, Clarke? – Gaia sounded… worried?
> 
> \- I… - I didn't believe my face could possibly heat more, but _ala_ – every day… during a year more or less…

I can see Anya passing her hand through her hair in clear frustration. She was about to speak when Gaia beats her to it.

> \- So, you cracked the wall blocking your power for a whole year. Why stop? Why not crumble the wall entirely?
> 
> \- It stopped working. That's all that I was capable of breaking. And then…
> 
> \- Then what?
> 
> \- If I didn’t do anything I would have less and less power… so I… kind of modified the spell to one that keeps the crack open… I must perform it once a week to make it work.
> 
> \- Write the modified spell… - while I did that she keeps going – so, you have the work of a year of a daily spell, and other two years of a weekly spell on you…

When I hand her the paper with the new spell in it she murmurs “impressive” to herself, but Anya heard her.

> \- it’s not impressive. Is dangerous. Do you know how dangerous it is what you did? You could have seriously damaged yourself! For three years you have been doing this to yourself! Why don’t just try the common way? Find someone to fuck!
> 
> \- You think I didn’t try?! I’m not proud of this! I can’t fucking awake the normal way! I fucking tried it all! Nothing works! So, I found another way!

The two of us were screaming while Gaia keeps reading and re-reading the spells.

> \- Clarke! You don’t know how dangerous it is what you did! – Then she takes a breath and tries visibly to relax – did you did any other spell on you or another person?
> 
> \- Well… I tried some spells that didn't work before this one…
> 
> \- How many?
> 
> \- Maybe five? They didn’t seem to do anything…
> 
> \- Do you remember the spells?
> 
> \- No. But I have them written.
> 
> \- We will need those too.

My eyes widen.

> \- I … I don’t have them here… I only brought here the spells that I needed…. They’re in my house… but they didn’t do anything, I swear!
> 
> \- You don’t know that for sure, Clarke. You didn’t feel an immediate effect, but that doesn’t mean the spell didn’t do anything. We will need to go to your house to retrieve them.

_What did those spells do to me? How can I be so stupid? Where did I put them? I’ll have to go to my house to look for them… how do I explain it to mom?_

She must feel me start to panic again.

> \- Hey, it’s ok. We will help you. You’re safe. You’re alright. Just breathe Clarke. You’re safe. Breathe…

I regain control of myself slowly.

> \- Anya is right, Clarke. We need the other spells, as soon as possible, so I can investigate and fix all this. We are going to help you, ok?
> 
> \- Ok…
> 
> \- So, there are two matters we need to see to. First, fixing whatever the spells have done. I need you to promise me not to do any more spells on yourself…
> 
> \- But…
> 
> \- No, you can’t continue doing this spell. Yes, the crack will seal, and you won’t have access to your power, but is better this way. You are hurting yourself with this, Clarke…
> 
> \- How will I explain the loss of power?
> 
> \- We’ll figure something up. The important thing here is your health. – I nod – the next thing to do is to help you with your awakening. You said you have tried the traditional way and didn’t work?
> 
> \- Yes
> 
> \- Not just one time or with only one other person, right? – Anya said – because the first time is almost never good…
> 
> \- I tried. Believe me…
> 
> \- ok…
> 
> \- And you can reach orgasm through masturbation? – Gaia continued

I think my face would be forever red after this.

> \- Yes
> 
> \- So, we can maybe skip some physical exam… A witch who specializes in sexual energy, maybe? Or just a general one first? – She starts to talk more to herself again.
> 
> \- You won’t call my mom, won’t you?
> 
> \- Clarke – Anya said with amusement in her voice – you’re aware you’re 21, right?
> 
> \- I know. But I don't want her to know I lied to her all this time. She would kill me no matter my age…
> 
> \- And why didn’t you go to her in the first place? She practices human medicine and witch medicine. She’s a witch. So, not only she would understand the delicate subject but the importance it has to you.
> 
> \- Now is easy to see I should have gone to her for help, or at least ask her to see another witch for help. But I was a teenager who was bullied for this. I didn’t want her to know! And I didn’t want to disappoint her… I ended up doing that anyway… and then it was too late to back down!

The silence is heavy after that.

> \- How bad went the bullying?
> 
> \- It was years ago. I’m fine now.

I could see they didn't like it. But really, what are they going to do? After another long minute, Anya sighs.

> \- We don’t have to talk about it now. We’re here if you need to at any moment. And we recommend you tell someone of your trust what’s happening, so at least you won’t feel so alone… but ultimately is up to you. You are a witch, and according to our law still a minor, so we are obligated to call your mom and even if we weren’t, she's Abigail Griffin. She would probably find out when you go to a doctor anyway, although maybe is better if she hears it from you… again, your decision. For now, you can go. Remember: no more spells. We will make an appointment with a witch doctor on the following days. So, I need to tell Indra and whom I see necessary.

I just nod and get up to walk out.

> \- Me or Indra – Gaia said before I reach the door – will come to find you this evening with a traveler so we can retrieve the missing spells, ok? You can talk to your mom then or we can talk to her tomorrow.

I nod again. When I open the door to get out, I remember Lexa was outside.

_Could she hear anything from here? Or feel anything??_

Lexa was in front of me in a second, but I really needed to be alone now.

> \- Not now Lexa, please. - Is all I say before walking away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, but a little Clexa to warm our hearts...

Lexa’s POV

\- Not now, Lexa, please.

After waiting for almost an hour, having to put a lot of energy into blocking Clarke’s feelings, which were shame and embarrassment like 80% of the time, and having to stop myself from going in there or pound on the door until someone tells me what’s happening. This was not making me happy. 

Clarke was clearly upset. Like really down. I’m worried, but also understand if she needs to be alone, so maybe I’ll try to see her later... When Clarke is out of my sight, I turn to find Gaia and Anya watching her.

\- Is she ok?  
\- She will be ok, don’t worry, Lexa – Gaia says  
\- Is there anything I can do to help her?  
\- Well… - Anya starts with a smile only to receive a swat in the stomach from Gaia.   
\- Just be there for her. The next days won’t be easy on her. – Gaia says

I nod and walk to my room. I’m not in the mood to see anybody. 

Clarke’s POV

I spent hours in the little hut in the woods, I thought of going to the lake, but I really didn’t want to cross paths with anybody. I cried until there were no more tears. My chest felt heavy, and my head hurt. 

How could I be so irresponsible? And all out of shame? For not wanting my mom to know that I may have a problem or that I was bullied? And for what? I didn’t avoid any of those things, only delayed them a few years. And put myself in danger in the process… if the spells don’t kill me, my mom for sure will! 

And what should I do now? If even with help I don’t get to wake up, I’ll need to leave the academy. I shouldn’t even be here in the first place… what the hell was I expecting coming here?!

Once I see the sun coming down, I go back to the dorms. 

As soon as Octavia sees my face, she came to hug me. I hug her back but without any strength. 

\- What happened? Are you alright? Did Echo do something? Because I have no problem on going and kick her ass for you!  
It warms my heart having Octavia has a friend.   
\- No… no… is not that. I just had a really long day. – We heard someone knocking on our door – and is not finished yet. 

I open the door finding Lexa there, shifting her weight from foot to foot. 

\- Hi…  
\- Lexa  
\- I was just leaving to… yeah, I’ll just leave – Octavia leaves the room and gives me a thumbs up at Lexa’s back. 

\- Clarke… are you alright? What happened?

We’re standing in the middle of my room, Lexa drawing circles on my knuckles with her thumb… I just deny with my head. 

\- Is there something I can do? How can I help you?  
\- Just… promise me you won’t leave me?

Lexa seems a little shocked by the request.

\- Of course. I will never leave you, Clarke. Why would I do that?  
\- There is something wrong with me, and I think I made it even worst. And now I don’t know if it can be fixed…what would I do if I can’t be fixed?!   
\- There’s nothing wrong with you, Clarke; you’re… you’re perfect…

The last part is barely a whisper and would have missed it if we weren’t standing so close.

\- I’m not – my voice is a whisper too.

Our eyes are locked together. I'm lost in that beautiful green, feeling like there is a delicate warmth surrounding me, and all I need to survive are those eyes. I can get lost in there, I'm safe in there…

Before I know what is happening, I feel Lexa’s lips on mine. It’s like an electrical cord has shocked me, filling me with pure life. 

But it lasts a second. Then Lexa is pulling away and I see her eyes go wild, her face pale and she let go of the hold she had on me. 

\- Oh my god, Clarke. I’m so sorry… I… I….   
\- Lexa… it’s ok  
\- No... no… I wanted to do this right… and you're upset and sad, and scared and now I'm throwing this to you on top of wherever is going on in your life, Oh god, and I didn’t ask you… I’m sorry, Clarke… I really wanted to do this right, maybe after a date or wherever… why I can’t make anything right? – Lexa is pacing the room, talking more to herself than me.  
\- Lexa! – I cut her rambling – come here… you didn’t do anything wrong

I have her in front of me again; she’s the most precious thing I have ever seen. What do I have to lose?

I kiss her. But I don't back down after a little peck as she did. I move my hand slowly caressing the side of her face, until I'm cupping her neck… I move my lips slowly, sweetly… And she responds to the kiss the same way. 

It’s like nothing and everything at the same time. I don’t want this to end. Lexa is kissing me back. The sweet, gorgeous, generous, sometimes shy and always powerful Lexa is kissing me back. And I feel like I belong. For the first time in my life, my brain isn't screaming at me all that I’m doing wrong. I live only in this moment. And this moment is perfect. 

An overwhelming feeling took my body. I’m being appreciated, and loved, and protected, and I feel safe. I don’t feel alone for the first time in forever. 

I don’t realize I’m crying until we separate for air. I see her about to panic and apologize and I throw myself at her, hugging her tight. So tight that it may be painful, but Lexa doesn’t complain. She hugs me back just as tight and lets me cry on her shoulder for a long time. 

\- Don’t go…. Please…

She just nods and guides me to my bed. We lay side by side and moments later I'm asleep with my head in her shoulder. 

Lexa POV

Clarke is asleep on top of me; it started with her head in my shoulder and an arm across my stomach, and now she is practically on top, with one of her legs across mine, hugging me tight and her face nestled in the crook of my neck. Every time I move just a little her grip tightens, like she’s afraid I’m going to leave even in her sleep... I don't know what is going on, but I want to protect her at all cost, I want to be there for her...

Octavia came back a while ago, smiled, and went to her desk to study presumably. A knock on the door startles me, and Clarke buries herself in me even more, as if hiding. Octavia opens the door and comes back with Gaia and another woman behind her. 

\- Hi Lexa. We need to wake Clarke up.   
\- Can’t wait? She was really upset before…  
\- I’m sorry, but this can’t wait. She knows that. 

I turn my attention to Clarke. Waking her up is harder than I anticipated. 

\- Clarke! You need to wake up.   
\- Just a minute… - she murmurs in my neck  
\- Clarke, Gaia is here…

At that Clarke sits in the bed instantly, eyes open big. She scrambles to stand up.

\- I’m sorry. I fell asleep.   
\- It’s ok. But we need to leave now. It won’t take long I hope, and you can get back to sleep…  
\- Leave? You’re leaving? – I know my voice sounds a little desperate

Clarke turns to me

\- I’ll come back… - she hesitates for a second - can you… would you…   
\- I’ll wait. – I assure her. 

She nods, pauses again but finally nods once more and follows Gaia and the other witch, which I realize is a traveler when they clearly don’t go to the hallway after they pass through the door.

Clarke POV

When we go through the door and into the white space, the traveler puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers to me to visualize the door of the room where we have to go. She then opens the new door that appeared in front of us and just like that we are all in my bedroom in my house.

All is exactly how I left it a month ago. I can’t believe it has only been a month, it feels like another life…

I go like a zombie to my closet and look for the box I know is hidden in the back; it contains all the stuff I used for doing the spells, which are folded at the bottom. I can feel Gaia’s eyes on me and I’m sure she’s taking note of all that was on the box. 

I give her five sheets, and she looks them over, taking note of the crossed-out words and littles arranges I made. 

\- Did you try them and then make changes or… - I nod before she can finish so she goes back to looking at the sheets again – these two are very different from the rest, which seemed to have a similar baseline… - she ends the sentence almost like a question.  
\- Those two were on the internet. I realize that probably the internet wasn't a good source. So, I looked at a book…  
\- The other spells came from a book?  
\- Not exactly. It's not an official magical book. It was a joke present, but is all I could find in the house on spells creation…  
\- I would like to see the book. If it’s not magical we don’t have it in the library. Do you have it here?  
\- It’s in my mom’s office…

I don’t wait for her response, just turn around and go downstairs. I know they will follow me. I’m so sure my mom was working in the hospital like any other evening and didn’t even considerer knocking on the door. 

It turns out she's here. Sitting on her desk and startled by the door opening suddenly. 

\- Clarke?! What are you doing here?!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally talks with her mom...

\- Clarke?! What are you doing here?! – My mom says

She comes to stand in front of me. I’m so shocked to see her that I didn’t respond at first…

\- I thought you would be working…  
\- I’m on call… - she must see my red eyes and really tired face – what’s wrong? Why are you here? 

I’m still paralyzed on my spot, processing everything. My mom seems to notice that there are other people with me.

\- Hi Dr. Griffin, I'm Gaia Pine, I'm on the committee of Trikru, Clarke's dorm. And she’s Cynthia, she’s traveling us here.  
\- Hi

They all shake hands.

\- I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what is going on… why are you all here? what’s happening?

Instead of answering my mom, Gaia turns to me.

\- If you could give me the book, I’ll go to the living room and go over all this and give you some time to speak to your mom if you want. 

I look at her and I know she’s leaving the decision in my hands. I could come clean with my mom now or keep lying and wait till she finds out some other way later. 

I nod and go to the library, taking the little book from the bottom. My mom is looking at the book trying to place it until it clicked

\- Wow… I thought I had thrown away that one years ago… why do you need it? Is not like is useful for anything…

I give the book to Gaia and she disappears along with Cynthia, closing the door and leaving just me and my mom in the office. 

\- Clarke… I’m happy to see you, but this is all a little strange… could you please explain to me what is going on?  
\- Can we sit? Is… I have to tell you something…

We sat on the couch that's in the office. A couch I fell asleep on countless times as a kid, just wanting to be close to my mom or dad while they were working...

This was going so fast. Too fast. Yesterday everything was good, this morning all seemed good; and now my world was crumbling and the only liable one was me. I did this to myself… coming clean was not easy, but I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice here, and I was realizing how tired I was of all the lies. It was exhausting…

\- Clarke? Sweetheart? What’s wrong?  
\- I’m sorry – not two words out and I was already one step away from crying – I… - no. I was already there

I broke down on her arms unable to say anything else. My mom hugs me. I know she's worried, and that only increases with every second where she doesn’t know what is happening. She’s always the person in control, so not having a clue about what's going on was not easy for her. But even so, she just let me cry until I calmed down enough to talk again. 

\- Shhh… It’s ok baby. I’m here.  
\- I’m sorry mom  
\- Why are you sorry, honey?  
\- I lied to you…

I see the confusion and hurt on her face

\- Ok… about what?  
\- I’m… I… - I couldn’t look at her anymore so I settle my eyes on our holding hands in my lap. – I’m not awake…  
\- What? – I heard the disbelief in her tone, but when I don’t look up or say anything else, she realizes is not a joke – how? That’s not possible… you…  
\- I’m sorry… 

There were some minutes of silence where I can hear her thinking and her eyes piercing through me. Finally, she sighs and lets go of my hand to lift my chin, and looks me in the eyes. 

\- Can you explain it to me? 

When I nod she let my face go and I instantly drop it again. I will come clean to her, but I can’t look at her while I do that…

\- There’s something wrong with me – I heard her taking air to speak, probably tell me that that wasn’t true, so I hurry to continue – and I didn’t want to disappoint you…  
\- You could never do that…  
\- Please. Let me talk first? I just need to tell you this…  
\- Ok…  
\- I tried to wake up... I really tried! but I couldn't… well… - I squirm in my seat. Why is this so uncomfortable? I'm a fucking adult! Or almost adult… But she’s still my mom… - I just couldn’t wake up. And I could see you getting worried about that, and I was worried and frustrated about it too. So, I investigated all I could and kind of find a way around it… I did a spell to be able to access some of my power… - I see her stiffen at that – and kept doing it until I reached a limit, then I maintained the opening with another spell… Anya and Gaia found out early today… that’s why we’re here, to look for the spells… - I finally look at my mom again, I know I left a lot out of the story, but I said all she needed to know. Right? - I’m sorry…

The last apology is barely a whisper. I have no idea how she would react, and I’m a little scared. 

I see her visible swallow.

\- You… you did a spell on yourself?

I nod.

\- Clarke… - I can clearly see the fear in her voice. She kneels in front of me and takes my head in her hands – that's… that's dangerous. What spell did you use? At least tell me it was a good and certified spell… - she sees the answer in my face even if I didn't say anything – oh god, Clarke… 

She is up in an instant, pacing the office.

\- Ok. ok. We need to stay calm. You can fix this Abby. Just stay calm and fix it. We need you to see a doctor. It’s not my field. I’m a trauma surgeon and emergency witch. I can’t help you. Oh god, I can’t do anything…  
\- Mom…  
\- ok ok… I can take you to a specialist. But in what?... I know people. People that can help. We just need time, and to stay calm….  
\- Mom! – She stops herself mid-step and looks at me – you need to calm down. I'm fine.  
\- Clarke. You don’t know that. You did a spell on yourself without supervision. Years ago. A spell that did something, otherwise you couldn’t have power at all! We need to address this immediately…  
\- I know… - I whisper again - I know… 

She takes several long breaths and seems to calm down a little.

\- I’m sorry. I don’t want to scare you. But this is serious… Clarke… why didn’t you look for help before doing an unofficial spell? I could have helped you, take you to see a professional. Whatever you needed. You know that… - she is most certainly hurt.  
\- I know… and I’m sorry… I… I don’t know, I was afraid I guess, and embarrassed… I… I’m sorry…  
\- It’s ok, honey – she hugs me – we will figure this out. I’m here.

After only a minute she lets go of me and stands, much calmer this time; I can see she’s in her “doctor mode”, which probably helps her think more logically and clearly. 

\- Ok. We have two problems. First, we need to take out the spell that’s on you and fix whatever it has done. And then we can work on why you can’t reach orgasm.

I flinch at that statement. Say all you want about how this is natural and that there’s no need for embarrassment in talking about it. But we all grow up mostly in the human world and the idea of trying to address and ‘work’ the problem with my mom was not something I’m looking forward to. 

Suddenly my mom froze.

\- You’re here to look for the spell you used, right?  
\- Kind of…  
\- Gaia was holding… holding a lot of sheets, Clarke. How long the spell was?!  
\- Is… there may have been some try and error before a spell worked… 

I see her eyes go wide and before I know it, she’s marching outside. 

Gaia is sitting in an armchair in front of the little table with the sheets of paper and the book. Cynthia is nowhere to be seen.

\- Are those the try and error? – Gaia has barely time to nod before my mom is taking the sheet to read for herself – there is no way this could give you access to so much power as to fake an awakening, Clarke…  
\- Those didn’t work…  
\- This is the one she used frequently to gain power. And after she used this one to maintain it. – Gaia passes my mom another two sheets of paper.  
\- Frequently… exactly how frequently did you use this?

I open my mouth to answer but no sound came out. She is going to go crazy with worry… finally, Gaia is the one to answer.

\- Every day for a year this one – she points to one of the papers still in my mom’s hand – and once a week since then the other one. 

My mom's face is like she has seen a ghost when she looks at me. And that freaked me out more than anything until now. I have NEVER seen my mom this terrified. 

I knew that doing a spell before the awakening is prohibited, and when doing it before going to the Academy, it must be under supervision. That’s why there are a lot of courses that teach basic magic. And I knew it was because it entails certain danger, but no one ever explained how much danger. And when I was doing it, I certainly didn’t think of any of that…

_What the hell did I do?!_

\- Dr. Griffin, maybe you should sit down a minute. – Gaia guides my mom to the couch – we know how serious this is, but for now, Clarke is not in distress, so at least we know she's not in immediate life's danger. We are addressing the situation the best we can. She already promised not to use more spells and we’re working out on what kind of witches should we call to help. 

Abby seems to come back to herself a little. She’s nodding at Gaia’s words, but her eyes are wet, and she doesn’t tear them apart from me. I go and sit by her side.

\- Mom. I’m fine… I promise. I’m fine.

My mom turns to Gaia but takes hold of my hand, I'm not sure if to comfort me or her.

\- What have you figured out so far? I want to know every single matter concerning my daughter's health.  
\- We find out only this afternoon, so we don't know much more than you do. But let me assure you that we are doing everything we can. I'm recollecting the spells and will hold a discussion with Clarke to see the creation process she used; hopefully, this will help us identify the consequences they may have had. Also, given the number of spells, time used, and their nature, we’re trying to determine what kind of expert bring in to help her.  
\- Ok… I can take care of the experts. Call some favors. Or just ask them for help. I’m not sure what specialized knowledge is required… 

Gaia takes a little notebook that was on the table, go through some pages and pass it to my mom. 

\- These are the ones that were suggested at the committee meeting. We’re still trying to narrow it down.  
\- There is not a physical one in here.  
\- Clare confirmed to us that it is not necessary  
\- What? Why?  
\- Any medical professional is authorized and qualified to search for marks in her skin. And the problem that triggered all of this was not one of physical performance, but some other kind… 

It takes a moment, but eventually, my mom gets it. 

\- Oh!… oh…. Ok… but either way, we don’t know if the first spell did anything. I have seen in ER some unofficial spells going wrong and there is almost always a physical consequence or mark. It’s clear that if any of this did something unwanted it hadn’t an immediate effect. But I think we should make sure that there is none. 

She looks at me and I just nod. This is much scarier and more dangerous than I could ever have imagined. 

\- Ok. I will deal with this.  
\- We will stay in contact to arrange the specialist that needs to be called and schedule a date everyone can attend, the sooner the better.  
\- What happens in the meantime? Is Clarke still in the academy? Are you expelling her?  
\- We’re not expelling her. We’ll have a meeting with the committee of Trikru, there will be consequences for her acts, but for now we are focusing on Clarke’s wellbeing. Once that is dealt with and she’s fine, her punishment will be determined by the director and the committee…. I’m sorry Dr. Griffin, but we should be going. We will stay in touch. I’ll call Cynthia to pick us up.

Gaia takes some steps away, giving my mom and me some kind of privacy to say goodbye.

\- I’m sorry to put you through this… I didn’t know it was this dangerous… and I didn’t want to disappoint you… I’m sorry…  
\- It’s ok, honey. We will deal with this, ok? And you’re going to be just fine, sweetheart. 

I don’t have time to respond when we hear a knock on the front door. Gaia opens and makes me a sign to follow her. I hug my mom and go. 

\- I didn't know how she was going to react, but I was kind of expecting more yelling and fewer hugs…  
\- Wait till she’s sure you’re fine and healthy. Then, that part will come…

When I get back to my room in Trikru Lexa is reading on my bed, and Octavia studying at her desk. Both of them turn to look at me. I know they want to ask a lot of questions, but Lexa must see the exhaustion written all over me, because she just opens her arms and I fall into them.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, for the wait! I have been with uni exams xD   
> we have a little more of Raven in this chapter if any of you missed her! and a little of their backstory together!

It’s Sunday and I'm already losing it. I spent yesterday mostly in bed, doing nothing and drowning myself in my misery and fear. Basically, I spent yesterday in the most dramatic set up of “my life is ruined and is my fault” with a sour combination of “I’m broken beyond fixing”. Not a fun day.

Octavia tried to cheer me up, but eventually gave up and went her way. Lexa showed up and did the same, but left after I told her I needed some time alone for processing everything. I was losing my mind in my self-pity. I can’t do that today again or I may never get out of it. 

I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to a friend but I’m not ready to talk to Lexa… I'm not sure what kind of relationship we are developing yet. Octavia may be an option, but even if I consider her my friend, the truth is we still only met just weeks ago, and I’m not sure we would be friends if we weren’t roomies. 

The truth is that the only friend I want to talk to is Raven, but I'm afraid to tell her everything. She has become a really good friend of mine, my only friend in reality. But I didn't tell her this before for a reason. I re-connected with her a year after graduation, when the whole plan of my fake awakening was in motion. She assumed I was already awakened, and I didn't correct her. 

And then we slept together. It wasn't planned and it didn't change our friendship, we started a "friend with benefits" thing, mostly for fun and for getting some energy to practice magic in the courses. But the thing is that even if I wasn’t under the pressure of reaching orgasm, I couldn’t get there, so I faked it instead of telling her because I feared another Ontari-experience. And by then I could do that without being caught, I just needed to release some power at that moment, flash my eyes if they were open and there we go: fake orgasm at your service. And it was even easier because Raven was still learning about witches’ stuff and wasn’t very perceptive yet of the energies. I’m not so sure I could have faked it with an experienced witch…

So, coming clean to her now was a little more difficult. I’m sure she can understand why I did all that; we went to the same high school after all. And I’m sure she won’t get mad I didn’t tell her. But the fact that I wasn’t honest with her when we were “together” and in a way took advantage of her ingenuity to pass my fake orgasm like a real one… that was another story, because I wasn't just 'not telling' her something, I was actively lying to her. And worst, I'm afraid she could think I lied to her in more things… when we were in all that "friends with benefits" we really shared practically everything, we had really open and honest conversations about what we like and whatnot, what we wanted to try and what not… and we even talked about our feelings, which was a really difficult thing to do for both of us… I really don't want her doubting all I said and all we shared…

But I need a friend if I want to get out of my head alive. So, I take my phone and went to "my hut". It was really a good thing that we have signal on the entire island, even if the phones and all electronic devices were to be handled carefully… well, if you didn’t want to break them that is. Magic interferes with electronics; an experienced witch learns to control that and is rare that their use of magic breaks something. But us? With the number of students in this place? It was better to only have electronics in places where magic was not thrown around. That meant the teachers didn't have to worry about cellphones during lessons.  
The woods were quiet and peaceful, unlike my mind; and the contrast gave me anxiety. I went into the hut and stayed there for a good while, trying to gather courage for making the damn call. 

Eventually, my brain realizes it must be done. 

\- Clarkey!! So happy you called! I was worried when you didn't respond to any of my texts the last two days. Two days of radio silence Griffin! You better have a good excuse, like you were banging that Lexy of yours!  
\- Hi Raven…  
\- Hey… you ok?  
\- Yeah, yeah… sorry I didn’t text back… how are you?  
\- I’m good! Did you know I can increase my power? Like, a lot! Well, they did tell me it wasn’t sure, and it depends mostly on my body and what can it put up with, but I’m optimistic!   
\- That’s good Raven! I’m happy for you!  
\- Thank you. Now that my part of the story is covered you can’t deflect. What’s going on with you?  
\- Nothing.   
\- Clarke.   
\- Ok. There is something…  
\- Is Lexa? Because I’ll never get tired of telling you to just go for it!  
\- We actually kissed.  
\- Oh my god!! Finally! And it only took you like a month! That’s good Griffin! Like speed light!   
\- Ha-ha  
\- But seriously. I’m happy for you.   
\- Thanks… 

There was a silence. 

\- Raven?...  
\- Ummm…  
\- I’m scared…  
\- Of Lexa? – she says shocked  
\- No. I’m scared I screwed up my life and myself so much it can’t be fixed… that I can’t be fixed…  
\- What are you talking about, Clarke?  
\- I did something…   
\- Ok… what did you do?  
\- Do you remember when I told you we could only do the practices and official spells?  
\- Yes…  
\- I didn’t follow the advice… well, to be fair, I was already doing it before I said that…  
\- So… did you do an unofficial spell? Is that it?  
\- Yes.   
\- And this was years ago…  
\- Yes.  
\- So why are you scared now? What was the spell about? It had to be something good, for you to break the rules like that…  
\- I… Apparently, it’s more dangerous than I thought. They found out what I did and the first thing they did was to worry about my health. Even my mom postponed the anger and went straight to absolute terrified. Like, she was dead scared for me. Raven. I don’t know what to do. I’m losing my mind.  
\- Ok ok… Clarke? Calm down a little. Let’s think. You say you did this spell years ago… what did the spell do for it to be something you worry about now?  
\- It doesn’t matter the time apparently. Every spell unofficial and unsupervised is dangerous and it doesn’t matter when you did it or even if it worked or not.   
\- Did at least work the one you did?  
\- One of them. I did more than one Raven! All on myself! And the one that did work, I repeat it on me every day during a year, and then I did another one once a week until last week! I’m supposed to do it again today, but I promised I wasn’t going to do it. And I know it’s dangerous and all, but Raven… I want to do it. I need to do it again or I’m going to ruin the only thing good I have in my life! I can’t go back to my life like it was in high school, Raven! I like it here, even with the pseudo-bullying, I really like it here. And Lexa is here too…  
\- Clarke… Clarke… breathe, please. breathe… it’s going to be alright… I’m here, I’m going to help however I can, I promise.   
\- You can’t help me Raven… - I sigh – my mom is calling a bunch of medical witches to help me…  
\- Medical? What exactly did this spell do, Clarke? Did you know you needed medical attention?  
\- No, I didn’t know… well… I didn’t know I needed medical attention for the spells. But I kind of did the spells to avoid asking for that kind of help in the first place…  
\- It didn’t work out very well then…  
\- You tell me…  
\- Are you going to tell me what the spells were for? Or do I have to guess?  
\- For faking my awakening – I say and hold my breath

There is silence in the line, so long that I check whether she didn’t hang up on me. 

\- Raven?  
\- I’m here… I just… wow… so… you’re not awake?  
\- No  
\- But… then the power?  
\- Is mine. The spells broke my wall enough for me to access part of it. But that’s all…  
\- Ok… but that means… when we… I mean…  
\- No… - I whisper  
\- Never?  
\- No.

There is silence again and I hear her take in air.

\- Why did you fake it, Clarke? – I can hear the hurt in her voice - If you weren’t having a good time with me, why didn’t you tell me? I mean, we’re friends. I wouldn’t get offended like some stupid guy. Did you need me to do something else I wasn’t doing? Because we could have tried-  
\- Raven. Raven. It wasn’t you, ok? I have tried to wake up and it never worked. It’s me who has the problem. And I did enjoy when we were together, I just never reached orgasm, but I swear I did enjoy, otherwise I wouldn’t have done it again.  
\- Ok… I’m sorry… I know this isn’t about me. Is not that… it just hit me that maybe I could have helped you somehow and I didn’t. And you didn’t seek my help neither…  
\- When we found each other again I was already doing the spells, Raven. I was already neck-deep in shitty lies and living with it. It became so natural to hide that I didn’t even think of telling you at first. And then I felt it was too late to tell you...  
\- No one knew any of this all this time?  
\- No…  
\- Clarke…   
\- I know. I should have told you.  
\- Me or someone else… I get that our friendship started in a weird place and that you probably didn’t trust me at first. I’m still hurt that you were not honest with me as your sex partner, but the other part, I get it. What I’m saying is that you should have had someone to rely on, someone to trust, because I can’t imagine living my life bearing such a huge secret like that. It must not have been easy-  
\- It wasn’t…   
\- Ok. ok… - she sighs again – I will need some time to process all this, but that’s in the past. We can talk and sort through those feelings and shit later. So, let’s go back to the important thing now.  
\- Which is?  
\- You, Clarke! For the love of god! You just tell me that Abigail Griffin is terrified and looking for medical help. I’m kind of worried here, you know?  
\- I’m worried too…  
\- Did they tell you what the possible consequences could be? I mean… your life isn’t in the line, right?   
\- I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I don’t know.   
\- Please let me know when you know something. Are you ok? I mean, physically do you feel fine at least?  
\- Yeah... I’m fine… is just that everyone’s reaction to this scared me. I didn’t know it could be THAT dangerous, Raven…   
\- So why did you started this conversation telling me you want to do the spell again today? If it is so dangerous and now you KNOW it is…  
\- I’m scared of what is going to be my life from now on… I’m so used to all of this, I got used to the routine of doing the spell, and the hiding, and even the kind of bully for my lack of power. But at least I have power, and even if I was never going to be a powerful witch, at least I get to be one! Now… now I’m afraid I’m going to lose everything. And all the trouble I went through with all those spells is going to be for nothing!  
\- Hey! You don't know that… maybe your life is going to change, but you don't know it is going to be for better or worst. And if your health is at risk, no matter how things will change, it will be for the best if you’re ok. Really ok. Not just surviving in your little lie.   
\- I may have to leave the academy… they say they wouldn’t expel me, but if I don’t have any power, I can’t be here…   
\- If that happens, we will deal with it when it does. I’m here for you. But didn’t you say you’re going to see a bunch of doctors? Maybe they could tell you why is it that you can’t wake up?  
\- Maybe… god… it's so embarrassing… telling Gaia and Anya, and then my mom… and now a lot of doctors I don't even know… oh god, I would need to tell Lexa eventually… what I'm going to do if the whole academy finds out?!  
\- Ok. Calm down. You could have done this a lot more discreetly if you just went to a doctor for the problem in the first place. Your mom was going to find out either way…   
\- Not helping Raven.  
\- I’m just telling it how it is. I know it’s embarrassing, and I’m sorry you have to go through this… look, there’s no reason for the whole academy to find out, right? And Lexa… well, maybe you have a point there… and I think that you should tell her sooner rather than later. That way you’ll have someone on your side there…  
\- I don’t know Raven… I like her. Like… really like her. I don’t want to screw this up.   
\- That’s why honest communication is a good thing!  
\- But… I would be basically telling her not only that I don’t have any useful power, but that I’m essentially frigid!  
\- Don’t say that! That term is bullshit and you know it. You say you enjoyed sex before, was that a lie?  
\- No  
\- Well, if her ego and pride are too fragile that she can't deal with the fact that you can't reach orgasm then she's not for you. And she's a dick and stupid. Because she would be passing out some really good sex! Just ask me. You don't have any problem with performance, my friend!  
\- Raven!  
\- What?! It’s true! One of the best sex I have! Sorry it wasn't the same for you though…   
\- It was good for me too, Raven…  
\- Good. Otherwise, I would feel really bad and cheated. Anyway, what was I saying? Ah! Yes! If Lexa’s reaction is anything but good. And I mean really good, understanding and supportive and all that shit; if it is anything but that, then she isn't who we thought, and she doesn’t deserve you.  
\- You’re a good friend Raven…  
\- I know. Remember that for Christmas…

We talk almost for two hours. She makes me promise her too that I wouldn’t do any spell, and that we would talk more once we see each other.

After, I took a long walk on the beach, just clearing my head and trying to prepare myself for what’s coming. When I got back, I only had the energy to eat something and go to bed.


End file.
